Chipping Away at a New Job

Now that Dan Quayle has done a potato-chip advertisement for the Super Bowl football telecast, well, other offers have simply been pouring in.

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Dear Mr. Vice President:

On behalf of the Nike corporation, may we say how natural and convincing you were in your TV commercial for Wavy Lay’s potato chips. You were, as we say here in the ad biz, boffo.

Our principal advertising agency, Maykum Lykett & Paye, is eager to run a new idea up your flagpole.

As you know, our “Nothing but Net” ads featuring Michael Jordan and Larry Bird have become wildly popular. Surely you have seen our spots in which Mike and Larry try to outdo one another by shooting a basketball from off a rooftop, over a freeway, through a window, off Mt. Rushmore, etc., etc., hitting “nothing but net.”

We would like you to shoot against Mike and Larry in our next ad.

First, we put you in long, baggy shorts, down to your knees.

Next, maybe we put a bald pate over your scalp, so you look a little more like Mike.

We dress you in uniform No. 23, with QUAYLE on the back.

You proceed to tell Michael and Larry that the Nike corporation has designed a new line of shoes called the Air Quayle.

Then you stick your tongue out at Michael.

Except when Larry shows you your shoe, it says Air Quayl.

Get it? It’s spelled wrong!

Please have your representatives get back to us. (Or your senators. Ha, ha.)

Sincerely,

--THE NIK (Ha, Ha) SHOE COMPANY

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WESTERN UNION TELEGRAM

TO: Mr. J. Danforth Quayle

HAVE PROPOSITION FOR YOU. STOP. WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN DOING, ‘HEY, VICE PRESIDENT QUAYLE! NOW THAT YOU’VE LOST THE ELECTION, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?’ COMMERCIAL FOR OUR COMPANY? STOP. LOVED YOUR POTATO CHIP THING. STOP.

--DISNEYLAND/WALT DISNEY WORLD

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Dear Dan Quayle:

Michael Jackson out. Need someone new, fast. Think about it.

--PEPSI-COLA CO.

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Danny,

I couldn’t help but notice what a wonderful, full head of hair you have. Come join me on my next infomercial. Just us, Danny and Cher. We want you, babe.

Love,

--CHER

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FAX TO: Dan Quayle, Indianapolis, IN.

FROM: Bob Uecker, Milwaukee, WI.

RE: Sitting with me in new Miller Lite ad. “We must be in the last row!”

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Perhaps you saw our spot with Chevy Chase saying: “Tough year.”

Well?

--DORITOS BRAND TORTILLA CHIPS

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Dear Vice President Quayle: Now that we have seen you in the box seats at a baseball game, we here at SportsCenter were hoping that you might volunteer to do one of our “Da-Da-Da, Da-Da-Da” theme-song things. (Free, of course.) Don’t worry if you can’t carry a tune; none of these tone-deaf jocks can, either.

--ESPN

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I know this sounds weird, but would you have any shoes of Ronald Reagan’s that I might sniff?

Best wishes,

--DENNIS HOPPER

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Dear Mr. Quayle:

BUD BOWL VII will be broadcast during the next Super Bowl. I know that I shouldn’t be doing these things, particularly since my arrest for drunken driving, but doggone it, the pay’s so good!

How about doing next year’s Bud Bowl with me? I feel that it’s very important that prominent Americans such as ourselves sell our fellow Americans a lot more beer.

-- MIKE DITKA