Calendar’s Big Oscars Issue : How Generation X’ers Would Do Their Own Oscar Show

F or Kalle Matso and Scott White, film critics for the Beach Reporter in Manhattan Beach and cool observers of twentysomething culture, the Oscars represent at once great theater and an agonizing waste of precious TV air time. The Times asked them to deconstruct the telecast--awards, dance numbers, presenters, acceptance speeches--with a decided eye toward how to capture the attention of the younger generation of movie fans.

Kalle Matso: You know, people often criticize the Oscars, calling it a long and tawdry event that does little justice to the art of cinema, and the fact is they bring up some good points. But even if this is true, there is no better alternative to the Academy Awards. Over the years it has remained the best thing going for people who love movies and the people who make them.

Scott White: I disagree. The idea--celebrating the best films of the year--is great. But, during that vacuous period between envelope openings, I have to employ all my self-discipline not to channel surf over to “Cops.”

Matso: Are you saying that the only reason you watch is to find out who the winners are?

White: That and to find out who’s going to wear which color ribbon for which cause. I’m dying to see what hue will be worn by those who want to do away with the Electoral College.

Matso: You might as well just watch the recap on Headline News. You’re missing the whole point of the Oscars--the pageantry, the celebration.

White: The cheesy dance numbers, the bad cue-card jokes.

Matso: I don’t think the musical interludes are cheesy. I just think the managers make some ill-advised choices sometimes, and I’m sure they learn from their mistakes. I’m almost positive that Rob Lowe will no longer be considered for any songs that require great vocal range.

White: I have to admit that I’m looking forward to seeing Bruce Springsteen perform his song “Streets of Philadelphia.” Still, based on the decisions that have been made in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was backed up by the Brotherly Love Dancers.

Matso: What would you change besides the music? You can’t cut the retrospective film montages. That’s consistently one of the best parts of the show--providing, of course, that they continue to postpone “The Year of the Brat Pack.”

White: But seeing that this year’s motif is “The Men and Women Behind the Camera,” I’m afraid what we’re going to get is a montage of different production assistants being yelled at.

Matso: Some of it might be uninteresting, but I think it’s about time that gaffers and best boys got their due. I also like the idea that we mindless filmgoers are going to learn something about movies that’s more significant than how hot Geena Davis looks in evening wear.

White: I’m not saying those behind the lens shouldn’t be lauded. I just don’t think most movie fans camp out in front of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion to catch a quick glimpse of “The Piano’s” cinematographer. If I had just two wishes, I’d have all of these technical awards given out at a totally separate ceremony. And then, of course, I’d wish for a lot more wishes.

Matso: But then the whole show would be over in about an hour. Most of the cars wouldn’t even be parked by then.

White: Worse things could happen. And if they really do want to stretch it out for a couple of hours, they can just add a few more eye-catching categories.

Matso: Like what? Best performance in a nude scene?

White: Sure. They could even introduce some new specialized endowments, like the Michael Caine Award for the actor who appears in the most movies in a single year, or the Bobby De Niro Award for the person who, in preparing for a role, achieves the greatest weight fluctuation.

Matso: But flashier categories would turn a time-honored tradition into the MTV Awards. The Oscars are supposed to have a little bit of class. It’s not like these are the People’s Choice Awards, where you have to be familiar to all readers of US magazine. We’re talking about the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences here.

White: That’s another thing. Who is in the academy anyway? Once in, are they in for life? I get the feeling they’re like the Politburo--no ousted members until the next cultural revolution.

Matso: I think they must be the same people who leak to the press whose “year” it is. Have you noticed this? Every year, a couple of weeks before the Academy Awards, the media decide that certain people have had the best years. Tom Hanks is supposedly the favorite to win the Oscar for best actor because it’s “his year.” Why is it his year, besides the fact that he had a nice speech at the Golden Globes? Why isn’t it Pete Postlethwaite’s year?

White: I have no idea. I also have no idea why this is billed as a classy, artistic event when you have all of the major studios spending tons of money lobbying for their films. With all the politics that go into the distribution of these trophies, I’m surprised that James Carville hasn’t been hired as a consultant by Miramax.

Matso: Now you’re really nit-picking, and you still haven’t mentioned the emcee, the aspect of the show that I think is the best candidate for some editing.

White: You’re not looking forward to Whoopi Goldberg? At least we’re not going to have to put up with Jack (Crude Is Often Funny) Palance.

Matso: I just don’t think that the Academy Awards should be a second-rate version of the “Tonight Show.” The most prestigious gathering of cinematic talent is definitely not the right place for John Bobbitt jokes. I say cut the monologue shtick down a bit and get right into the best part of the show.

White: Which is?

Matso: The human element. I really look forward to hearing what the winners will say. That’s half the reason I tune in. I say half, because I usually lose interest when the six makeup artists line up to thank their kin.

White: I’m not so hot on the speeches. With few exceptions, I find them unoriginal and often laced with political platitudes. You never know when some actor will hold up his Oscar and tell the audience that, simply by thinking happy thoughts, we can reunify the Korean Peninsula.

Matso: Well, if someone wins an Oscar, they’ve earned the right to a captive audience. But the presenters, who haven’t been honored for anything, display an amazing lack of tact when they revise the script to suit their socioeconomic platforms. Pretty soon, the celebrity introductions will include political leanings as well as movie credits. “She’s the liberal from ‘Thelma & Louise.’ He made millions of dollars in ‘The Player’ and has a soft spot for Haitians.”

White: I agree. Preachy presenters should face some kind of punitive measures. They ought to pay a fine or have to stay after and help clean up.

Matso: On the other hand, it’s the idiosyncrasies of the celebrities that keep many people glued to the tube. You never know when Kim Basinger is going to embarrass herself by telling the entire world what film she thinks should win for best picture. People debated for weeks whether Sally Field’s exclamation “You like me. You really like me!” was touching or tacky. I myself was really moved by the simple and sincere way that Gene Hackman accepted his award for best supporting actor--saying it was a great experience to make “Unforgiven” and dedicating his award to the memory of his uncle--last year. These are the kind of moments that make it surprisingly pleasurable to spend three hours watching extremely affluent people collect more stuff.

White: With the exception of the Gene Hackman anecdote, those are the moments that rekindle my love of the written word. The best thing about the Oscars isn’t the people; it’s being able to re-experience some of the best moments of film from that particular year. I wish they’d show longer scenes from each movie, especially when reviewing the best picture nominees. It kills me that they edit the clips so that the Price Waterhouse guys have more time to explain the intricacies of vote tabulation.

Matso: I think my original point is still valid. Yes, the Academy Awards show is flawed, but it’s the most respected celebration of something we both love: movies. Criticize it all you want, I know what you’ll be doing on Monday evening.

White: So do I. I’ll be watching “Evening Shade” and the TV movie of the week, while my VCR records the Academy Awards. Nothing will give me more pleasure than fast-forwarding past the drawn-out dance numbers and forced puns to the 40 minutes that matter. As long as you don’t crank-call me and tell me the winners ahead of time, it should be a great night at the Oscars.