Whitewater, Whoppers Are the Fodder at Gridiron Club Roast

In its annual equal opportunity roast Saturday, journalism’s Gridiron Club jabbed at President Clinton, rapped Bob Dole, walloped Ross Perot and concluded: “Seems like everybody’s got bones--funny bones.”

It was the 109th annual running of the club’s evening of skits, song and mostly gentle derision. And the Clinton Administration, its Whitewater woes, its kitchen turmoil and backstairs disorder, got top billing.

As in a song with these lyrics:

“When grand juries haunt you and reporters taunt you, just relax and smile.

“When you get your court subpoena, fire your chef and butler, summon in Lloyd Cutler.”

And then the lyrical advice: “Shred your vegetables, not your office files.”

The Gridiron opened for funny business during the Administration of Benjamin Harrison in 1885 and nearly every President since has learned the truth of its motto: “The Gridiron may singe, but it never burns.”

But the singe may throb, just a little, as when the cast of reporters and stand-in singers examined the First Gourmand’s eating habits through the eyes of the White House’s famous--now fired--French chef who sings:

“Monsieur Clinton, he’s got crazy taste buds. . . . I prepare the fine French things. . . . All he wants is Burger King.”

Reporters got their points across, dressed as genies, waiters, top-hatted strutters, George Washington, cowboys, baseball players, a Texas cactus, a dark horse and as Al and Tipper Gore.

That’s Vice President Gore as in: “Two hundred and four pounds of bore. That’s our big old Albert Gore. Get a load of robot Al tonight.”

Then there was former President George Bush giving political advice to sons Jeb and George W., who are running for governor in Florida and Texas, respectively.

Bush: “You’ve gotta throw dirt. Hit your rivals where it hurts. Use the playbook that got me to the top. A plan that is sure to work. You’ve gotta throw mud.”

One number featured Perot and Bobby Ray Inman, who turned down the job of defense secretary because he believed columnist William Safire and others were conspiring against him.

Inman: “When Safire called up Robert Dole, I knew just what they said. That’s because the CIA put a transplant in my head.”

Perot: “Al Gore started trashing me; he said I was a thief. I overheard him talking through the fillings in my teeth.”

Inman and Perot: “If you take one drink in Texas, you’ll be loco just like us.”