What Schott Needs Is an Interpreter

Downey’s California:

--Marge Schott’s comment about “fruits” was misunderstood. What she meant was, she doesn’t want Strawberry.

--I don’t think the baseball is juiced. I think Marge is.

--Fill in the blank: Jennifer Capriati hates playing tennis on clay. Jennifer likes playing tennis on -- .

--I say New York takes the Stanley Cup and the NBA championship trophy, then hocks ‘em both.

--What do brothers Rene and Marcel Lachemann have in common, besides managing major league teams? Rene landed the Marlins. Marcel landed the Salmons.

--The Dodgers put a cardboard cutout of Tom Lasorda on the field during the national anthem. The Angels would love to have a cardboard manager they could push around and keep quiet.

--I bet Brett Butler bunted in T-ball.

--Butler is the kind of hitter who can spray the ball to every part of the infield.

--If Delino DeShields wore his stockings any higher, they’d be leggings.

--The Clippers have expressed interest in Buck Rodgers.

--Having won the European soccer title, AC Milan is expected to sign with the Phoenix Suns.

--Some people are so politically correct, they say the Kentucky Derby was won by Go For Non-Alcoholic Beverage.

--I like Florida State to repeat as college football’s national champion, provided it has 11 players left.

--Air Pippen shoes. For that very special moment when the game is on the line.

--How can John Stockton play basketball in those little pants?

--If Stockton wore Karl Malone’s pants, all you would see would be his ankles and eyebrows.

--Larry Brown is considering coaching both teams in the Eastern Conference finals.

--The Denver center’s full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo. This is so ironic. Mine, too.

--Question: Who can run with footballs, swing at baseballs and dunk basketballs? Answer: Mutombo Jackson.

--Good thing the Kings cleaned house after missing the Stanley Cup finals for one year in a row.

--Someone asked if the Fighting Illini from the University of Illinois should drop their nickname, now that the Warriors of Marquette have. First things first. First they have to drop the name Illinois.

--Julio Cesar Chavez has just been announced as the winner of his next fight.

--Toronto named its NBA team after prehistoric creatures. The Lakers last season played several.

--First player the Raptors should sign is Dino Radja.

--After that, Rex Chapman.

--Dennis Rodman probably thinks Raptors are four guys who sing.

--Hey, I have seen the Texas Rangers play baseball. Go ahead, let Jose Canseco pitch.

--There isn’t a team in that division that couldn’t use Geena Davis.

--OK, I say Ken Griffey Jr., gets homer No. 62 on Sept. 25. What day do you say?

--Jody Reed is doing so well, his agent is thinking of asking Milwaukee for a pay cut.

--No wonder “L.A. Law” is over. Arnold Becker kept ignoring his clients to play third base for Cleveland in those movies.

--Joe Carter has vertigo. Poor Joe. Next time he bats against Mitch Williams, he won’t be able to follow the trajectory of the ball as it comes down.

--The World Cup soccer final will be played before an estimated 92,000 fans at Pasadena and will be seen in the United States on television by an estimated 92,000 viewers.

--Now available in paperback, “The Stand,” Stephen King’s story of a place where you keep buying hot dogs while waiting for a World Cup team to score a goal.

--I believe Darryl Strawberry wanted out of Los Angeles because he heard about our new “three strikes” law.

--Nancy Kerrigan’s attackers were found guilty last week under Oregon’s new “three stooges” law.

--The Byron Nelson golf tournament was declared over after 36 holes. I guess that means the winner qualified for half the Masters.

--Look-alikes: John Daly and model in department-store window.

--Don’t worry, the Rams won’t move to St. Louis. No way Anheuser-Busch welcomes a team with a quarterback named Miller.