LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Newswatch, Part I: Robert W. Morgan and Richard Turnage (KRTH 101.1) ask what Rodney King and the LAPD have in common? “Neither one got a dime out of the city of Los Angeles yesterday.”

Jay Leno, on the lack of punitive damages for King: “That’s bad news for Rodney. The good news is that his lawyer gets one-third of that!”

Tony Peyser, on the threat by LAPD officers to picket at LAX and tell arriving passengers they won’t be safe on our city streets: “What, the cops think out-of-towners don’t watch CNN?”

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Part II: Talk about a powerful politician. Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that Congressman Dan Rostenkowski has already been elected Inmate Representative of Cellblock “C” at Leavenworth. Mills adds that Rosty’s legal team is urging him to look on the bright side: “If worse comes to worst, at least you’ll be able to see Johnny Cash for free.”

Brighter side, revisited . . . Leno says Rostenkowski faces something like 110 years in prison if he’s convicted: “So even if he serves all 110 years, he will still get out in time to put the finishing touches on the Clinton Health Care Plan.”

Speaking of Leavenworth . . . Comic Argus Hamilton says the Ladies Aid Society there once decided to bring a little sunshine into the federal prison by sending cheery letters to the inmates.

One woman had trouble starting her letter because she was puzzled about how she should handle the salutation to a man she knew only by a long string of numbers. She finally achieved what she believed was the proper measure of friendliness.

“Dear 6528633,” she wrote. “May I call you just 652?”

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A businessman wandering along Broadway in New York City heard magnificent music coming from a popular club. He went in and, to his surprise, discovered a cat was playing the piano and a mouse was singing. He asked the bartender about the act, and the bartender introduced the businessman to the owner of the act. The businessman told the owner that he had never seen anything quite so unusual or amazing, and asked if the act was for sale.

The owner said it was for the right price, and the businessman offered $1 million. “Sold!” said the owner and a contract was drawn up and signed.

After the previous owner had left, the bartender ventured over to the businessman: “I really hate to tell you this, but you’ve just been royally taken.”

“How so?” replied the new owner.

“Well,” said the bartender, “the mouse doesn’t sing. The cat is a ventriloquist.”

-- Suzanne Harris, Long Beach

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Reader Ilana Urbach of Calabasas says this story gives a clue to her brothers’ intelligence:

“Once while I was talking to my friend Curtis on the phone, my brothers were jumping around and making noise because they didn’t particularly like him. The 12-year-old shouted: “Curtis is illiterate.” The 9-year-old followed: “And he can’t read.”