LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 good things about being married to Michael Jackson:

* White sequined glove prevents greasy fingerprints on fridge.

* After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem normal.

* None of those annoying demands for sex.

* His squeaky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice.

* As King of Pop, gets 10% dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants.

* If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it’s his own.

* Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by.

Jay Leno, on the marriage: “On the wedding night, there was a lot of touching, groping, loving, caressing. And that was just when Michael was alone. . . . Michael told Lisa Marie he wanted children. Unfortunately, he wanted them for his bachelor party.”

From numerous sources: This just in from Cal Tech: The recent shakers are not aftershocks from the Northridge quakes. They were caused by Elvis turning over in his grave.

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Leno, on “Models Inc.,” the new Fox TV show: “Do we really need any more proof than this that the Wonderbra cuts off circulation to the head?”

That fan arrested outside Madonna’s house pleaded not guilty to criminal trespass. Comedy writer Bob Mills says the man claims he was just curious to see what she looks like with her clothes on.

President Clinton’s running shoes have been inducted into the Brockton Shoe Museum in Massachusetts. Comic Argus Hamilton says Clinton’s jogging makes a lot of Americans feel better: “He proves that exercise does not result in weight loss.”

Treasury official Roger Altman apologized to the Senate Banking Committee for misunderstanding its members’ questions. There was a real language barrier, says Hamilton: “The questions were all in plain English and Altman is a bureaucrat.”

A Florida nudist camp made room for 29 Venezuelan baseball players, ages 11-14, after their housing fell through just before a tournament. The boys later refused to leave the camp, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, until the governor called in a SWAT team.

Despite criticism, San Diego’s Sea World has renewed its attempt to become the world’s only marine park with a great white shark. No white shark has ever survived in captivity, Peyser reports, except for Charles Keating.

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Reader Trini Marquez of Sky Forest says that a beautiful young woman who used to work for her was approached by a man who said he was a professional photographer. He asked if the young woman would like a free photo session. She called, made an appointment and arrived for the shoot in a blue Victorian gown.

After a brief glance, he asked her, “Do you think you could come back and bring a teddy with you?”

She left, then returned--hugging her teddy bear.