LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the President’s vacation: “After a round of golf with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, actor-director Paul Michael Glaser and producer George Stevens, followed by dinner with Katherine Graham of the Washington Post, Bill Clinton told reporters that there’s nothing like a vacation to get back in touch with the common folk.”

Mills, on the experimental car that was driven from New York to San Francisco, powered only by french fry oil: “The only drawback was that engineers had to stop every thousand miles to change the ketchup.”

Judge Lance Ito is expected to reveal today the contents of the mystery envelope in the O.J. Simpson case. Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports that Ito, fearing yet even more Hollywood theatrics in the case, has declined Robert Shapiro’s request that Johnny Carson open the envelope while doing his famous Carnac routine.

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the orangutan that had open-heart surgery at the San Diego Zoo: “It was touch and go for a while after doctors discovered, during the operation, that it didn’t have insurance.”

Ray, on a Wyoming school that teaches lawyers to be more human: “They debate ethical questions, such as ‘Should you continue to profess your client’s innocence even though he hasn’t paid his bill?’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton calls Sen. George Mitchell a true optimist: “He believes that health-care reform will be passed in time for the World Series.”

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Short takes: Today is Richard Gere’s 45th birthday, which raises the question: What do you get for the man who has Cindy Crawford?

--Mark Miller

Heidi Fleiss’ father has a defense for charges that he laundered her money: “I had to launder it. Do you realize where it’s been ?”

--Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter

“My girlfriend has been complaining that we never go out to eat anymore, and she wanted to go someplace expensive. So I took her to the airport.”

--Vince Ware, Huntington Beach

First cannibal to the second cannibal, while eating lunch: “I hate my mother-in-law.” Replied the second cannibal: “Then just eat the french fries.”

--Phil Elderkin, Claremont

“What’s this about Woody from ‘Cheers’ going on a killing spree in ‘Natural Born Killers’? I always thought Cliff would be the one to snap.”

--Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness

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Mrs. H.E. Allport says that she took her son Bruce, then 2, to Brooklyn during World War II to visit her Navy husband. Bruce pulled a chest of drawers over, almost on top of himself, and immediately blamed it on Freddie, a neighbor boy.

I told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree, then again asked who pulled the chest over.

“George Washington,” Bruce replied.