LAUGH LINES : Jokes

It’s Labor Day: Comedy writer Alan Ray says everyone must remember that unions keep American businesses on the move: “Some move to Mexico. Some move to Asia. Some move to Europe.”

Today is also the anniversary of the birth of Arthur Charles Nielsen, founder of the rating system for television viewership that carries his name. Nielsen died in 1980 and, according to comedy writer Mark Miller, “his funeral service received an 18 share and won its time slot.”

Jay Leno, on Warner Bros. replacing Bugs Bunny with a frog as its symbol for its TV network: “I’ve got two words of advice for them: New Coke. “

Reader Floyd Sprague of Van Nuys wonders: “Will a gag order from Judge Ito mean we can no longer submit O.J. one-liners to Laugh Lines?”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 ways that Michael Jackson celebrated his 36th birthday:

* Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep.

* Received novelty drinking mug that says “World’s Greatest Reclusive Freak.”

* Going 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets. (Oh, I’m sorry, that’s Michael Jordan.)

* Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice even higher.

* Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden, chased him around the house with a rake.

* Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake.

* Two words: Grabbing himself.

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In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a new blood test that may save thousands of heart-attack victims: “It can quickly distinguish between the pain caused by cardiac arrest and the normal pain a patient experiences when his wallet is forcibly removed.”

Mills, on the former legal secretary who won a $7.1-million sexual harassment judgment against a San Francisco law firm with 1,700 attorneys: “The jury ruled that just being in the same building with that many lawyers constituted harassment.”

A 1995 raise for millions of white-collar federal employees was reduced from 2.6% to 2% by the President, who called it “an alternative pay adjustment” instead of a pay cut. While some bureaucrats criticized the action, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, Clinton’s choice of words was lauded by the Federal Euphemism Advisory Board.

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the last Red Army troops leaving Berlin: “The Russians are a nostalgic people. On the way back home, they stopped off and looted Poland for old times’ sake.”

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Reader Jessica Skippon of Los Angeles was teaching her 3-year-old daughter J’aimee the days of the week--Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday . . .

She became very confused, then asked: “What happened to tomorrow?”