THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Whatever Happens, It Has to Be Big Improvement

Remember last Tuesday’s sports on TV log?

Sport Time Event Channel Baseball 10:30 a.m. Arizona Fall League, Prime Ticket Chandler at Scottsdale (tape) Boxing 9 p.m. Joe Hipp vs. Rodolfo Marin; USA Andrew Golota vs. Jesse Ferguson at Las Vegas (delayed) Volleyball 10 p.m. Women, FIVB World Championships ESPN at Sao Paulo, Brazil (tape) Soccer 10:30 p.m. English League competition (tape) Prime Ticket

This is what we were reduced to?

Instructional league baseball? Anonymous boxers? Women’s volleyball and English soccer? And not only that, all of it taped?

In this spirit--desperation--we welcome the NBA back, to fill in the vast and howling wasteland suddenly carved this fall between “Monday Night Football” and the college and pro games on the weekend.

We not only have actual, live, weeknight games again but box scores, rotisserie leagues, controversies, larger issues like the racism alleged by Glenn Robinson’s agent in denying his client a $100-million contract, silly issues like Dennis Rodman’s hair, heroic undertakings like the Spurs’ attempt to rewire the insides of Rodman’s head at this late date, even stories with political implications like Charles Barkley’s insistence that he will run for governor of Alabama.

You might have noticed, this league isn’t exactly like the others.

NBA players still run their mouths, speak their minds, play their roles and, not uncommonly, make fools of themselves. In short, they act like big kids excited at the privilege of being paid millions to play a game they love. They might not talk as often or say as much as they used to before prosperity set in, but it’s still the wackiest ship on the sea of American sport. It’s fan-tastic, not to mention heaven’s gift to sportswriting.

So without further ado, let’s get ready for these sure-to-come stories:

Barkley announces his plans, relative to his season, career and future life. Not one will come true.

Boston Coach Chris Ford, reportedly already grousing about Dominique Wilkins in private, goes public. A month should do it.

The Celtics, who have announced they’re a playoff contender, hold a players-only meeting when they discover they’re not. Two weeks should do it.

Elden Campbell, whom the Lakers pump up every summer, nods off again in fall. Oh, it’s already happened? Sorry.

Alonzo Mourning is named player of the month for December. Charlotte owner George Shinn gives him a $150-million extension.

After a New York slump in January, an anonymous player rips Knick Coach Pat Riley. Riley fines Anthony Mason $10,000. When Riley subsequently learns the leak came from Patrick Ewing, he fines Mason another $5,000 for having been a bad influence on Ewing.

On a San Antonio trip in March, Coach Bob Hill rips Rodman’s headphones off, discovers he’s listening to a Madonna CD and fines him another $10,000 for harboring fantasies on a team charter. This raises Worm’s season total to $2.1 million.

Orlando goes 65-17 but is swept in the first round by New Jersey.

Indiana comes out of the East.

Phoenix comes out of the West.

The Pacers win the NBA title in seven games. During the victory parade in Indianapolis, Larry Brown announces he’s going back to UCLA, noting his decision to leave was the biggest mistake in his life. “Both times,” he says.

IT’S NOT JUST A JOB, IT’S AN ADVENTURE

And now back to real life, more or less. . . .

Robert (Call Me General) McDermott, retired Air Force one-star and newly arrived chairman of the Spurs’ board, has cracked a few tough nuts in his time, so Rodman had better watch out.

Unfortunately, the General can’t jail Worm or make him clean the Alamodome latrines or shoot him for deserting in the face of the enemy.

Never fear, there’s always a way to instill discipline in a young man. How about. . . .

Busting him down for violating the dress code?

Perfect! When the Spurs announced they were suspending Rodman for three games--$90,740 worth, added to his previous $15,000 fine for a preseason total of $105,740--they cited seven acts of “conduct detrimental to the team” but wouldn’t describe them.

No wonder. One was reportedly wearing blue jeans on the team charter. Designer jeans are permitted but Rodman had the common kind on.

Another was assault on a superior officer.

Rodman, taken out of an exhibition game, picked up an ice bag and flipped it a few feet. One wire service reported that he had thrown it at Coach Hill, although he obviously had not.

Said Hill, defending the sentencing: “I mean, c’mon. This is the way the world works.”

I mean, c’mon?

Under the new para-military standards, Rodman, who habitually came late to practices, blew off shoot-arounds on the theory that he didn’t intend to shoot in the game and rarely spoke to teammates off the floor, would have missed all last season, forfeiting his $2.5-million salary plus whatever the Spurs fined him.

Of course, he wouldn’t have taken down his league-leading 1,367 rebounds--Shaquille O’Neal was next at 1,072. The Spurs wouldn’t have improved their defensive average by eight points or won six more games.

John Lucas, who traded for Rodman, kept him from being a distraction by overlooking everything but Luke wisely bailed out when he got a look at the General.

From Philadelphia, Lucas says he’d love to have Rodman back. However, like Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men,” McDermott wants to train the young man, instead.

Let’s hope it works out better for His Generalship than it did for Jack.

HOW TO TELL YOU’VE BEEN AROUND TOO LONG

How to explain trading Rony Seikaly, a top-10 center, for Billy Owens to join the Miami Heat’s crowded stable of small forwards?

How about temporary insanity?

NBA combat fatigue?

Billy Cunningham and Lew Schaffel were on their way out as part owners of the Heat, frustrated by their inability to get a once-promising young team beyond mediocrity and tired of their players’ whining.

Seikaly, prone to the European-born players’ habit of assuming the fetal position when things got tough, bought his ticket to ride when he blasted management for letting Brian Shaw go.

Said Seikaly: “Since then, they have not said a word to me. It’s like I don’t exist, like I’m not part of the team, like I don’t belong. I’m happy to be leaving that situation.”

Replied Schaffel: “Under no circumstance would we trade a player if we didn’t believe the Heat would benefit from that trade. Under no circumstances. We never put personality ahead of what’s best and we never will.”

This doesn’t explain why a team with Glen Rice at small forward, which just signed Kevin Gamble to back him up, needs Owens, who has never become the star he was once projected to be.

On the other hand, who needs to explain?

In a few months, Billy and Lew will be on the beach with millions in the bank saying, “What, me worry?”

THANK HEAVEN NAISMITH DIDN’T LIVE TO SEE THIS

Benoit Benjamin just started his 10th professional season, still the same big lug who sprawled upon the scene in 1985: out of shape, out of his element, out of it in general.

New Net Coach Butch Beard says Benjamin isn’t in condition, but Beard doesn’t know how bad Benoit’s condition can get.

“I’m right where I want to be,” Benjamin said. “I’ve done everything. I’ve been in camp every day. I’ve practiced every day, except two days. I’m in great shape, give or take five pounds. Really and truly, They (critics) can kiss my . . . .

“People saying that I’m an underachiever really gets under my skin. I’ve achieved some things in this league. People need to recognize that. I feel underappreciated. I feel like I’m a great player. I figure I’ll have my place in the history books one day.”

He can count on it.

FACES AND FIGURES

Meanwhile, back in the asylum: Houston players are upset that President Clinton hasn’t invited them to the White House, that team owner Les Alexander got a reduced price from a Canadian firm to make their rings, that no one is predicting they’ll repeat, by more things than we have space to list. Said Robert Horry: “The 16 hours I was in Detroit (in the abortive Sean Elliott trade), you could tell by the way they run their organization that it was first class. I ain’t going to say (Alexander) is cheap. I’ll just say he budgets his money.”

Rocket Vice President John Thomas notes Clinton had some other things to attend to just as important--the Middle East, campaigns--but that the trip is on, adding the players are getting bad information from someone “trying to divide this organization.” Maybe someone in the old PR department, which Alexander purged? . . . Even Chicago Bull fans who paid $100 a ticket were turned off by Michael Jordan’s made-for-TV tribute. Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome suggested that Fabio must have been too busy to attend. Said Jordan: “Me, personally, I really didn’t need all of this. All I really needed was to say goodby to the Chicago fans, and I think I did that the last time I was in the Stadium (at Scottie Pippen’s charity game in September).”

Thanks for your unique perspective: Bull owner Jerry Reinsdorf on Pippen’s mutiny last spring: “The 1.8-second incident was blown way out of proportion. We had blown a big lead. He was frustrated and did a dumb thing. After the game he apologized and that was it.”

Charlotte’s Larry Johnson, replying to critics of his schoolyard act at the World Championships and showing that he, truly, doesn’t understand: “Look where I’m at, one of the premier players in the league, hands down, no doubt about it, one of the top players in the league, healthy. No doubts about it, can’t nobody dispute that. I’ve won a lot of accolades, rookie of the year. I’ve earned a lot of things being me. I’ve got to be me. If I get criticism being LJ, then I get criticism. I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to be LJ. I’ve done pretty good so far. LJ’s got some friends, some people like me. My mom likes me. My wife likes me. I’m doing all right. I’d rather have the criticism now about trash talking than have the criticism if we’d lost the game. How would we live that down? See, a lot of people thought they knew about the young guns, but they didn’t know about the young guns. I think they know now.”