Everyone Loves a Loser, Give Them a Community Hug

The time has come to get behind Your Los Angeles Clippers. Come to a game. Come one, come all. Be there for tonight’s loss to Charlotte. Get your tickets while they’re cold. My friends, you can see ordinary basketball any time, any place, any nexus. But a team like this comes along only once in a lifetime. Come, feel the magic.

The Clippers are a dream come true. No, make that a nightmare come true. You’ve heard of the Dream Team? Say hello to the Nightmare Team. You think Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are scary? Ha! Interview these guys.

I wore my Clipper cap to a college basketball game. “Why?” everyone there asked. I replied: “You say, ‘Why?’ But I say, ‘Why not?’ ” Because you gotta believe! The Clippers can do it! They are 0-15! They can go 0-82! Which has never been done! I promise never to remove my Clipper cap until the Clippers win a game! Sworn this day, Dec. 5, 1994. Man, is my scalp going to smell by February or what?

The Clippers just lost to the Minnesota Timberwolves. At home. This was the NBA equivalent of Beavis beating Butt-head. I believe the public-address announcer said: “Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Your Los Angeles Clippers! The names have been changed to protect the innocent.”

The Five Stooges ran right out and lost again. Poor saps. I feel so sorry for these mugs. They should wear hoods. Maybe masks. Maybe unlisted numbers. And their poor fans. I hear Clipper season ticket-holders are applying for the federal NBA Witness Protection Program. And I don’t mean just some of their season ticket holders. I mean both of them.

Shaquille O’Neal. Charles Barkley. Scottie Pippen. These are only a few of the basketball players who could defeat the Clippers single-handedly. Patrick Ewing and any four thugs from New York could defeat the Clippers. Come to think of it, the Knicks are Patrick Ewing and any four thugs from New York.

Come on. Get your lazy butt out of your chair and come to tonight’s Clipper basketball defeat. Our Clippers need our help. Wear your Clipper cap, the way I will. Buy more Clipper merchandise. Trust me, it will be very valuable some day, like Edsel automobiles and Jeffrey Dahmer autographs. Clipper souvenirs will be worth so much, Bruce McNall will use them for collateral. This team could make a fortune selling brown paper bags with eye slits.

And don’t forget: You could be there the night they win! What a night that will be. The crying, the shouting! Not by the Clippers. By whichever team they beat.

Go to a game. Now, before it’s too late. I mean, who wants to cheer for a 1-15 team? An 0-15 team is special. An 0-25 team would be extra-special. An 0-35 team could be super-special. An 0-81 team would be the hottest ticket in NBA history. An 0-82 team could mean books, songs, made-for-TV movies. Think of it. The losin’est team ever! Memories are made of this.

That’s why I say: Get out there. Cheering for the Clippers in an NBA game is like cheering for Lithuania in the Olympics. It’s that special feeling you get from supporting the needy. It’s that holiday spirit that makes you fall to your knees and be thankful that no matter how much you suffer, at least you’re not a Clipper. It makes children sit on Santa’s lap and say, “Please, give me toys, dolls, underwear, anything but Clipper stuff.” Even the naughty ones.

I believe we should back our team. I believe if we all get out there and really, really, really pull for our guys, we can lose every game. I know, it would take a miracle. But this is the season of miracles. We can lose every game with Sacramento. You think we can’t? Can and will! Dallas doesn’t scare us one bit. The Mavericks never saw the day they couldn’t beat us. New Jersey? Man, you think we can’t lose to New Jersey? You bet we can! Can and have!

Look, we’ve already had Showtime. Been there, done it, seen it. But this, this is different. This is NoTime. This is a team for the ages--either Dark or Stone, I haven’t decided. Bring your NoTime banners. Wave your NoTime placards. I might even copyright NoTime, pull a Pat Riley. You have to think ahead in this business. After all, the Clippers are going for a NoPeat.

Imagine, say, the Charlotte Hornets as they dress for tonight’s game. What must they be thinking? Maybe Larry Johnson suggests that everyone on his team wear a dress. Maybe Alonzo Mourning suggests that everyone plays without shoes. You know, in their stocking feet. Make things a little more even. Give the Clippers a chance. Maybe Muggsy Bogues will start at center. He’s what, 5 feet 4? For the Clippers, he could start at center.

Or maybe, just maybe, the opponents will sink to their knees. To pray: “Dear Lord, don’t let it be us.” Pray to not lose to the Clippers. Pray to not be the first. Because they would never, ever be able to go home to North Carolina again. To face their loved ones. To enter a restaurant. Parents would say: “Don’t look, son. He’s a Hornet. He lost to the Clippers.” Little kids would go up to Alonzo and say, “Say it ain’t so, Zo! Say it ain’t so!”

Scary thought. But it could happen. Could happen tonight. Could happen this week, this month, this season, somewhere in America, at a gymnasium near you. Better not miss it. Better be there. Bring your Clipper cap. Teams like this don’t come along every day. Just lose, baby.