Funds and Games Are All Gone

The Rams might leave. Their county is broke. The Raiders might leave. Their stadium is broken. The Dodgers are on strike. They borrow millions from a bank. The Kings are on strike. They owe millions to banks. The Angels are on strike. They need a new stadium. The Mighty Ducks are on strike. The Lakers play to two-thirds capacity, the Clippers to one-third capacity. Schools everywhere are dropping sports.

Hi, it’s me, president of Save Southern California Sports, asking: Won’t you please help?

We have no money here. None. Zilch. All of us are hurting, even Burt Reynolds. We can’t afford a ticket to a game. We can’t even afford valet parking. We’re busted. No bread. Orange County is in the red. They’ll have to rename it. Newport Beach is no longer as well off as St. Louis . Man, that hurts.

California has run out of money. All the clues were there. Even O.J. Simpson drove around in a Ford. Out here, we have money only for two things now--vanity license plates and Skins Game golf. Otherwise, nada . No dough.

For the first time in our lives, we need bargains. Laker courtside seats, two for $10, let’s say. Mighty Duck autographed pucks--get ‘em while they’re cold, 10 cents apiece. Brother, we are so broke out here, the old goalie of the Kings had to post bail for the owner.

Got me? We’re cleaned out, bankrupt, Tap City, busto. Save the Rams? We’re lucky we get our garbage picked up. We’re New York with sun. Georgia Frontiere will be doing another of those United Way TV spots soon--for herself. “I nearly made my Rams move to Missouri, of all places. But now, thanks to your generous contributions, we can stay and even pay our coach. Thanks to you, we’re still working, the United Way.”

I don’t know how things got so bad. Somebody must be responsible for us being broke--Charles Keating, Michael Milken, Darryl Strawberry, somebody .

Magic Johnson bought something like 10% of the Lakers. I’m sort of hoping that he decides to buy 10% of Los Angeles. We need tourism. We need people to visit California who used to live in California. We need rich people from Oregon to come here during Rose Bowl week and spend their money. We know things are bad when that’s what we need: Oregon donors.

Even our poor athletes have no income. Want to hear something funny? I made more money last week than Wayne Gretzky did. I made more money last week than Ken Griffey Jr. and Sr. did combined. And to think my mama begged me to learn a trade.

I suppose the beginning of the end for California came a couple of years ago, when UCLA dropped water polo. You know the economy is going sour when UCLA drops water polo. All those needy kids, counting on that water polo scholarship money to get them through college. Think of it, some poor child, out there every day in his parents’ swimming pool, working on his water polo, day and night, only to have his university throw the whole sport down the drain. Breaks your heart.

We Californians, maybe we lived too well. Instead of one team in each sport, we always had to have two. Instead of an AM Burger or a PM Burger, no, we had to have AM/PM Burger. We always had to have things our way. Now I’m hearing that California inflation is so bad, 7-Eleven convenience stores are about to be called 8-Twelve.

What can we do?

Not much. Some of us can continue to support our teams, best way we can. For example, if you should see a professional baseball player or hockey player outside a supermarket, holding one of those WILL WORK FOR FOOD signs, you might invite him over to rake your yard or paint your fence. These people need to be doing something. Pay one to clean your Jacuzzi. If you like, you can withhold 15% and call it a luxury tax.

Or, go to a Laker game. Maybe tonight, against the streaking Clippers. For one thing, the Lakers are playing very well. For another, many seats at the Forum remain empty because nearly everyone in California is either broke or too busy being host of a talk show.

Our sports teams need ways of making money, fast.

I propose the following:

1--Taxpayers donate $1 per Raider penalty, wiping out the national debt by next Sunday. 2--Orange County offers an “enjoy the game or your money back” guarantee, like that “Miracle on 34th Street” movie. 3--We borrow from the Kings and give to other, less fortunate teams. 4--We offer all our teams to St. Louis, sort of a group-discount thing. 5--We start charging surfers and swimmers for ocean time. What do they think, water’s free?

That’s about all we can do, here in the tarnished Golden State. We don’t have much, but at least we have each other.

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