Of Dubious Mascots, Troubled Bands, Former Geniuses

Lowlights, dark nights and weird sights of Football, 1994, as culled from the Dead Season Scrolls:

The Colleges

--Cat Got Your . . . What? The University of Kentucky announced it would alter its official Wildcat logo after complaints that the animal’s rolled tongue resembled a penis.

--They Also Had to Listen to Barry Manilow: Florida State put its marching band on probation for three years after revelations that new members had been blindfolded and forced to drink alcohol during hazing rituals.

--He Should Have Stuck with the “University of Spoiled Children”: In a book on Stanford football, Coach Bill (the ex-Genius) Walsh dismissed USC as Yesterday University. Stanford later fell to Yesterday U, 20-27.

--Yesterday’s Coach: After a 7-14-1 record over the last two years, Walsh resigned.

--The Sky Is Falling, the Sky Is Falling: Security officials at Iowa’s Kinnick Stadium moved cheerleaders away from the student section because they were being pelted by eggs, marshmallows, bottles and, in one case, a dead chicken.

--Glitch of the Year: In the second week of October, the New York Times computer rankings rated Kansas State as the nation’s best team.

--Hangover U: Georgia Coach Ray Goff said the school might move the starting time of its games to 4 p.m. or later because students were too groggy from all-night parties to attend 1 p.m. games.

The Pros

--Where He’ll Set a Record for Most Consecutive Appearances on the Floor: Steve Largent, the former Seattle receiver, was elected to the House of Representatives from Oklahoma.

--A Case of Randall Cunningham Envy: After Arizona began 0-3, Coach Buddy Ryan promised: “I think you’re going to see a different Eagle offense next week.”

--Lost in Space: Cincinnati punt returner Corey Sawyer called for a fair catch on his own one-yard line.

--Wide Ref: Pittsburgh quarterback Neil O’Donnell, confused by the yellow-and-black striped jerseys worn by the Steelers for an anniversary tribute, threw a sideline pass to an individual wearing a similar outfit--a member of the officiating crew.

--It’s Marion Butts’ Team Too: New England Coach Bill Parcells told NBC that the team’s ground game was hampered by linemen who were “blocking their men but turning and putting their rear ends in the hole” created for the running back.

--We’re Still Not Sold on Jerry Rice: The Bottom Ten predicted that Indianapolis’ Marshall Faulk would be the Flop of the Year.

--I know Don Coryell . . . Don Coryell is a Friend of Mine: San Diego Coach Bobby Ross was denied free parking at his own stadium because the guard didn’t recognize him.

When Ya Gotta Go . . . : Dallas Coach Barry Switzer disappeared from the field during the fourth quarter of a game. A restroom break.

What an Insult--to Iowa State: Switzer said the Cincinnati Bengals reminded him of Iowa State.

The Oilers as National Symbol: After Rep. Richard Gephardt (D-Mo.) was reelected as the Democratic House leader, an angry Rep. W.J. (Billy) Tauzin (D-La.) said: “When a team has a 1-9 record, they generally hire a new coach.”

--How’s That New Anaheim Stadium Coming? Orange County’s problems were foreshadowed by the Rams, whose offense was bankrupt all year.