Well, Nick, It Looks Like a <i> Ssssss</i> ix-Iron

The incident involving U.S. Open champion Ernie Els and a poisonous snake in a golf tournament in South Africa prompted Gene Collier of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette to suggest a way to spice up the major events by putting “at least one species of poisonous reptile on every hole of every major tournament.

“Nick Faldo standing over his approach shot on 18 with a championship and a couple of hundred thousand dollars at stake does little for me, but Nick stepping carefully around a black mambo, now that’s a sport.

“Nick would you go over your round, snake by snake?”

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Trivia time: Who holds the Rose Bowl record for the longest kickoff return?

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Sound familiar? Shaquille O’Neal on the Orlando Magic’s prospects this season: “We’ve got the pieces we wanted, and now we want to win a championship. Anything less would be uncivilized.”

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Perilous journey: San Francisco 49er Coach George Seifert on the struggle to get to the Super Bowl:

“There are a lot of obstacles. Who was that, Jason and the Argonauts, where the guy had to fight the demons and witches with long hair and the snakes and he had to cut off all the heads? That’s what you’ve got in front of you.”

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Kindergarten: A training camp rule for the 1952 Rams, defending NFL champions: “You should bring your book and pencil to every meeting. Do not ask if they will be necessary.”

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Reasonable request: Golf World reported that Davis Love III was in mid-backswing during last year’s Hawaiian Open when a Japanese photographer accidentally triggered his camera.

An errant shot followed and an angry Love asked a tour official, “What’s the penalty for killing a photographer--one stroke or two?”

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Geriatrics club: Dick Motta, 63-year-old Dallas Maverick coach, on Bill Fitch, 60-year-old Clipper coach:

“They’ll be OK if they leave him alone for a few years. They need stability, and he’s stable. If they can keep his wheelchair greased and his walker handy, he’ll do great.”

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Normal guy: San Antonio Spur Coach Bob Hill on Dennis Rodman: “You go beyond the hair, tattoos and the earrings, and he’s like you and I.”

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Objective reporting: Tony Gabriele of the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press: “I hate the Dallas Cowboys. I hate everything about them. I hate their owner. I hate their coaches. I even hate their agents.”

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Looking back: Texas Western, now known as Texas El Paso, won the 1966 NCAA basketball championship, but the country’s best team might have been the UCLA freshmen led by Lew Alcindor. Alcindor averaged 31.1 points a game while leading the Bruins to a 21-0 record. The freshmen outscored their opponents, 113.2 to 56.6.

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Trivia answer: Al Hoisch of UCLA, 103 yards against Illinois in 1947.

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Quotebook: Fitch, to a reporter newly assigned to cover his team: “What did you do wrong?”