LAUGH LINES : Do Sugar Plum Visions Dance in Newt’s Head?

The first Laugh Lines Readers’ Contest of 1995 challenges you to write clever captions for either or both of the two adjacent pictures.

At left is a man who volunteered to dance the part of the Sugar Plum Fairy in “The Nutcracker.” At right is “The Newt,” as his makeup is applied for a TV appearance.

To help jump-start your wit, we asked comedy writers Bob Mills, Mark Miller and Tony Peyser to come up with a few suggestions for gag captions, which appear under each picture.

The Top 10 entries in each category--as selected by the oft-maligned Laugh Lines Supreme Court--will receive LL Humor Master T-shirts. The top entry in each will also earn two tickets to the Comedy Store. (Offer void where prohibited by law.)


Entries must be received no later than 5 p.m. Thursday, Jan. 12. Fax them (best times are afternoons and evenings) or mail them (a 32 stamp and a prayer) to the number or address listed next to Doonesbury. Good luck!

1. An all new version of “The Nutcracker,” as performed by Teamsters’ Local 811 in Duarte. (Tony Peyser)

2. “Are you absolutely sure all new congressmen undergo this initiation?” (Mark Miller)

3. Cover illustration for the new book: “Baryshnikov--The Declining Years.” (Bob Mills)


4. “I am so sick of this lousy witness protection program!” (Miller)


1. “OK, the Hitler mustache was a bad idea. Let’s try Groucho.” (Bob Mills)

2. “Leave a few drops . . . just in honor of Nixon.” (Mills)


3. House Speaker Newt Gingrich primps before his first meeting with Rupert Murdoch. (Tony Peyser)

4. “Smells like a great batch, Jesse. When will it be ready to drink?” (Mills)