SUPER BOWL XXIX / SAN DIEGO CHARGERS vs. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS : Football Is King in His World

You sure do read a lot of Dave Barry when you get to Miami. This is Dave’s world, Miami. Maybe I will write like Dave Barry and use lots of CAPITAL LETTERS as well as words in italics and occasionally some bold face type and end sentences with plenty of exclamation points!!!!! And then maybe people in Dave’s world will think I’m funny like Dave.

Dave has been writing daily about the Super Bowl and so far he has written about Patti LaBelle’s fear of snakes and Lance Ito judging a celebrity Jell-O wrestling contest and other NFL news. Dave is a professional humorist and boy , is he ever FUNNY!!!!!

But my job is a serious job. My job is to tell you what to expect today when you sit back to watch Super Bowl XXIX between all the commercials for grease-fried hamburgers, tortilla chips, Chris Berman’s brand of beer and the sneaker Dennis Hopper prefers to sniff. Mario Cuomo will endorse Doritos and “Seinfeld” actor Jason Alexander will parachute into Joe Robbie Stadium with a bag of Rold Gold pretzels and I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!

But I digress. I meant to write about football, and not about the Miami Herald newspaper quoting Dr. Ruth advising Super Bowl players not to do anything intimate that will detract from their performance in the big game. They ain’t missing an angle, these Miami Heralders.

Me, I’m just interested in the football. I’m not interested in how Kathie Lee Gifford got to sing the national anthem, although it is interesting, don’t you think, that Barbra Streisand was originally rumored to be the anthem singer. I wonder if Barbra would be the anthem singer if her name were Barbra Lee Gifford. The national anthem is always an event at a Super Bowl and my personal favorite came in Pasadena when it was sung by that popular country-western couple, Garth Brooks and Marlee Matlin.

Now, back to the football. Don’t get me started on any other topic, because the Super Bowl is serious business and I have no intention of telling you about some artist from Versailles, Ky., who created a sculpture of Frank Gifford, Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf out of sand , which surprises me because if I ever made a sculpture of Dan Dierdorf, sand is not the substance I would sculpt.

Man, there I go again, off the subject. My paper hires me to go to Miami and report back to you about Jerry Rice or Junior Seau and not about the woman dressed like a mermaid at Jimmy Johnson’s restaurant down here who sits on a stool and listens to one-liners from customers like one from a friend of mine who said, “So, could I interest you in some tartar sauce?”

No, the football is far too important for me to address any other issue at this late date. It is totally insignificant that 49er running back Marc Logan happens to be telling people, “A Super Bowl is unbelievable as far as how many women you may meet. All our salaries are published and these women know their football. You see them going after the big-contract guys.”

None of which has the slightest thing to do with Super Bowl XXIX, the California vs. California intramural game that will give Steve Young a chance to become Joe Montana, and by the way, did you catch 49er lineman Harris Barton’s story of what happened when he once roomed with Young in the same house? Young felt he was overpaid because Montana was doing all the playing, so one day Barton opened a drawer and found 13 of Young’s uncashed checks! Talk about BIG-CONTRACT GUYS!!!!!

Personally, I believe a key figure in today’s game could be Doug Brien, a small-contract guy for the 49ers, who kicks field goals and could find himself in one of those Scott Norwood IF I MISS, HEAVEN HELP ME situations where the entire city of San Francisco is waiting for him to make the kick that will win the game. Brien is the guy whose major contribution to the 49ers this season was telling them how much Gatorade they waste by taking one sip and throwing three-fourths of it away. TRUE STORY! And with all those starving people in Europe who could use our ade

Well, now. Down to business.

All nonsense aside, I know what you want to know. Am I one of those people who honestly believes San Diego could defeat San Francisco? Or am I one of those people who believes that this game will be over around the time Jason Alexander’s parachute hits the ground and he falls on his pretzels? These are fair questions and I intend to give them serious consideration.

Because this is the biggest game of them all, so big that one of O.J. Simpson’s jurors evidently slipped a note to Judge Ito asking if it was OK to watch the Super Bowl game on TV. This must have made Judge Ito SO MAD! I bet he pulls the plug on the whole game!!!!!