LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on Warren Christopher’s illness in Canada: “It’s got to be a little embarrassing for President Clinton, though. His own Secretary of State waits to get sick until he’s in a country that actually has a health-care plan.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the U.S. and China settling a trade dispute: “This will now finally free up those long sought-after Chinese fashion secrets.”

Adds comedy writer Brad Halpern: “The Chinese government has already closed several factories that have been counterfeiting American technology--and moved them to Taiwan.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the baseball strike: “George Steinbrenner really has a problem. His replacement player for Steve Howe failed his drug test.”

Adds the Cutler Rock Comedy Network: “Steve would never cross a line. Snort it, maybe, but never cross it.”

Mills, on Jimmy Carter’s return visit to Haiti: “He got mixed reviews: An 80% approval rating for his peacekeeping efforts, and 2% for his poetry.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the CIA releasing top-secret satellite photos taken for President John F. Kennedy during the Cold War: “The detail is amazing. Even from a hundred miles up, Marilyn looks great by the swimming pool.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the strike by more than 400 Kentucky workers against a magnet manufacturer: “Talks between management and the union are said to be polarized.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the suspension of trainer D. Wayne Lukas after a horse named Flanders failed a drug test after a race at Belmont Park: “Lukas claims the filly never tried anything stronger than a little grass.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on a new Wilmington, Del., law that requires permits for panhandlers: “Beggars say it’s not fair. Just to pay the fee, some may have to work a second corner.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “I don’t know how reliable a witness Rosa Lopez is. She wants to leave the country before even signing a book deal.” (Paul Ryan)

* “Lopez is not the most credible witness. In fact, she now claims that she once saw Kato Kaelin looking for a job in the want ads.” (Leno)

* “Lopez couldn’t testify Friday night because Marcia Clark didn’t have child care. They should have called Kato. You know he wasn’t busy, and he definitely needs the work.” (Ryan)

* “Judge Ito wants to take jurors to a Dodger game in April. But he has ruled that if replacement players are used, only alternate jurors can go.” (Peyser)

* “Detective Tom Lange is not the most exciting witness. He’s a pretty boring guy. I understand that at the crime scene, they put a sheet over him.” (Leno)

* “Detective Lange had a hard time convincing the jury that police traditionally use powdered doughnuts to dust for prints.” (Mills)

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Newhall reader Keefe Feffandini recalls that when daughter Ashley, then 6, started Little League, she wanted to pitch. He explained (as all veteran Little League parents know) that the coach’s son or daughter usually got to be pitcher. A few months later, they went to Dodger Stadium and Dad pointed out pitcher Orel Hersheiser to the girl. After a moment of silence, Ashley asked:

“Is he the coach’s son?”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.