LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Redondo Beach reader Michael Axelrod, on Major League Baseball: “It used to run that promo, ‘Baseball fever: Catch it!’ Well, I caught it and now I’m covered with scabs.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Pope planning to celebrate Mass on Oct. 8 at Camden Yards, home of the Baltimore Orioles: “This is a good idea. Maybe he can pray for a World Series.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the doctor who saved his own life by defibrillating himself after he had been shocked by faulty wiring in his office: “Of course, he couldn’t do a thing until he showed himself his plastic health plan card.”

Comedy writer Kevin Healey, on the new group Caffeine Anonymous: “They follow a 12-step program similar to AA. But at its meetings, members snack on doughnuts and beer.”

Healey, on reports of negotiations for a new NBC series based on Donald Trump’s hotel, Trump Tower: “It’ll be about the Donald’s charity, business prowess and love for his wife. Sounds like a sitcom to me.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on a study showing that the smell of doughnuts and pumpkin pie arouse men sexually: “This proves, finally, that when a husband gives an electric mixer to his wife for an anniversary gift, he is being romantic.”

Jay Leno, on the opening of Denver International Airport: “There were such huge crowds that the Hare Krishnas were hiring temps.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the balanced budget amendment: “President Clinton has offered Sen. Bob Dole a deal. He’ll trade the amendment for one health care plan and two gays in the military to be named later.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Dole for President: “He’ll bring leadership, experience and intelligence to the White House: Elizabeth, your office will b e that oval one in the West Wing. “

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Cirque du O.J.: “Johnnie Cochran’s hand gestures weren’t meant to coach Rosa Lopez. He was simply using the international distress signal for a sinking alibi.” (Keith Scheuer)

* “Cochran denied he was signaling Lopez. But he did admit that after court on Thursday, he was offered a job as the Cleveland Indians third base coach.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Lopez denied that her testimony was being scripted by defense lawyers, and added that her eyesight was so bad, she can barely make out the cue cards, anyway.” (Mark Miller)

* “It turns out that the juror who was dismissed for staring at pictures at O.J.’s house during the field trip was actually watching Robert Shapiro attaching price tags to each photo.” (Brad Halpern)

* “If the Simpson defense team does any more sandbagging, the trial may be transferred to the Flood Control District.” (Stan Kaplan)

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When Fountain Valley reader Marie Budgen went to church with grandson Jordan, 4, she reverently explained to him that they were in God’s house. The boy looked all around the church, turned to his mother and asked her:

“Which door will God be coming in?”