Another Sport Isn’t the Answer

R iiing.

Southern Section office.

Yeah, my name is Benny. Me and my friend Shannon just love bungee jumping and we was thinking that maybe it should be a high school sport, you know.

Yeah, high schools need another sport like they need people jumping off roofs.

Riiing.

Southern Section office.

Yeah, hi. My name is Charlie and I run a pool hall. I was just wondering, why don’t you guys have a billiard league? Yeah, that would be great. We could have Empire League family night down here.

Some sports just aren’t suited for high school competition. Remember the 1984 Olympics and team handball? That cross between soccer (only you could use your hands), basketball (only you didn’t dribble as much) and hockey (only you kept all your teeth). It was suppose to have swept the nation.

Seen it lately?

Riiing .

Southern Section office.

My son, Junior, plays in a jai alai recreation league, but no college offers it so he can’t get a scholarship. Now, if high schools offered the sport, then the colleges would, right?

You know, roller hockey has a nice little thing going. There are some pretty good youth and teen leagues out there. Even better are the pickup games out there every weekend. Kids playing for--now get this--the fun of it. Nutty.

Back in the ‘60s (you might have heard of them), there was a movement (obviously) to make Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land” the national anthem. Folk singer Pete Seeger commented that the worst thing you could do to a song is make it official.

Riiing .

Southern Section office.

Dude, why don’t you have skateboard championships. I mean, every school has a pool. Let’s just empty them.

Somehow people have the idea that if a lot of kids are involved, then it would be a good high school sport. If that were the case, tagging would be one.

Riiing .

Southern Section office.

Greetings, my name is Tad. It’s a shame not every kid can sail. For crying out loud, how do they expect to understand the America’s Cup? My plan is simple: Let’s offer yachting as a sport in every school.

Sure, roller hockey’s a gas. But do schools have the equipment? Nope. Do they have a proper venue? Nope. Do they want the liability? Nope.

Riiing .

Southern Section office.

Hi, my name is Jimmy Larkin. Lark The Shark, that’s what they call me in the youth boccie ball league. You know, I just want to help kids. If high schools had boccie ball leagues, I could help even more kids.

Let’s say we make roller hockey a sport. Any teachers out there qualified to coach it? No? OK, that means walk-ons. We’ve been down that road too many times.

Riiing.

Hello, my name is Mr. Citron. You know, the world of risky investment is an exciting, fast-paced, competitive field. It would make a wonderful high school sport. By the way, do you have any job openings?

Sure, high school athletic departments are loaded with extra cash to take on new sports. Why coaches are so well paid they slum by renting villas in the south of France.

Hey, here’s an idea. Instead of dumping another sport on schools, let’s dump some more cash on them. What a concept.

Riiing .

Southern Section office.

Hi, my name is Marijon. Say, instead of adding sports, why don’t you drop a few, like in the spring. Yeah, let’s drop baseball and track. Then we could start spring football earlier.

Hmmm, roller hockey. We could play the last two months of school . . .