They’re Gone--but Still Forgotten

D owney’s California:

--I thought the best replacement baseball player was what’s-his-name.

--Baseball owners will meet in Chicago next week to discuss their new strategy: “Do we really need four infielders?”

--Patrick Ewing grabs Rick Mahorn by the throat. Man, that’s what I call a fight! It’s like a T-Rex grabbing a velociraptor.

--Kendall Gill, Seattle SuperSonic, clinical depression. Imagine if he was a Clipper.

--And now a new film: “Judgment at Hamburg.” The story of an innocent tennis player who gets stabbed and a criminal’s terrifying ordeal of community-service work.

--I expect a German judge to find Monica Seles guilty of breaking that guy’s knife with her back. Probably give her five to 10 years.

--Jeanie Buss, daughter of Jerry, is in the latest issue of Playboy magazine, being lifted by Vlade Divac and Anthony Peeler. Hmmm. They drop her, they get traded to Sacramento.

--I hear Playboy’s first choice was Red Auerbach’s daughter, but she wouldn’t put her cigar out.

--Well, my 1996 Final Four picks are pretty much the same as everybody else’s: UCLA, North Carolina, Kentucky, Fresno State.

--For the championship: Fresno State 101, UCLA 99, giving UCLA back-to-back championships as soon as Fresno goes on probation.

--Still, it’ll be nice to see Jerry Tarkanian out there coaching the Fresno Runnin’ Bulldogs or Dancin’ Raisins or whatever they call themselves up there.

--Today is Friday. Did UNLV change coaches again?

--A line from a Pacers-Bullets box score: Reggie Miller, 32 minutes, 0 baskets, 9 assists. Oh, that Reggie--always passing, never shoots much.

--Reggie on what happened with Spike Lee: “The media blew it out of proportion.” Oh, yeah, every playoff opponent in Madison Square Garden makes a choke sign at the Knicks. Happens every day.

--Maybe that’s all Ewing was doing to Mahorn--calling him a choker. (Patrick, you’re supposed to put your hands around your own throat.)

--This just in: The Montreal Expos have announced that they definitely will use nine baseball players this season, if they can afford it. Otherwise, eight.

--Fernando Valenzuela is a San Diego Padre. Don’t worry, Fernando--someday you’ll be back playing for a big league team.

--Cal Ripken Jr. is scheduled to break Lou Gehrig’s record against the Angels in Baltimore, assuming their bus gets there.

--Explain to me how Bryant (Big Country) Reeves makes the Final Four’s all-tournament team--based on one game, which his team lost--but Tyus Edney does not? You voters have the attention spans of gnats.

--Another reason UCLA won? Those three Big East officials who worked the game. They let the guys play. They didn’t call George Zidek for every little nudge. If Zidek has foul trouble, UCLA has depth trouble. George stays in, Arkansas has to shoot over him.

--Let’s call his favorite shot the Zi-hook.

--The way I figure it, if UCLA wins 10 NCAA championships in a row, Dick Vitale might-- might-- pick them to make the Final Four in the year 2005.

--Burt Bacharach is due back from a European concert tour with Dionne Warwick in time for Saturday’s Santa Anita Derby, so he can see his horse, Afternoon Deelites. He should ask Dionne’s psychic friends how much money to bet.

--Wayne Lukas has to choose whether to run Timber Country, Thunder Gulch or Serena’s Song in the Kentucky Derby. What’s the matter, Wayne--you never heard of win, place and show?

--I hear Serena’s Song might be in next month’s Playboy.

--The crowd favorite is still the little Long Beach horse, Larry The Legend. If he wins, I’m thinking of promoting him to Larry The God.

--HBO’s “Tyson” is so good, George C. Scott should accept any award it gets.

--I like Matt LeBlanc of NBC’s “Friends” to win Saturday’s pro-celebrity race at the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach, and I also like Courteney Cox of “Friends.” She’s not driving. I just like Courteney Cox.

--Be looking for Greg Norman to dominate the Masters for, oh, 70, 71 holes.

--Rap star Luther Campbell says he’ll rat to the NCAA if the University of Miami doesn’t let his friend be the starting quarterback. Yo, Luther--you really want to hurt Miami’s program? Make the team listen to your music.