LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on the Rams officially moving to St. Louis: “Former Sen. Thomas Eagleton, responsible in part for luring them, hasn’t been this excited over a losing team since the 1972 Democratic ticket.”

Adds comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “The words Los Angeles have been stripped from the team’s moniker. The words exciting and conference champion were removed years ago when Georgia Frontiere took over.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the furor over the New Yorker magazine cover of a business-suited Easter bunny crucified on a tax form: “For those who think Christianity is the only religion facing this sort of thing, remember these four words: ‘Keanu Reeves as Buddha.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Bob Dole’s admonishment of Hollywood immorality: “Turn on any TV channel and you’ll find an endless array of sexually promiscuous characters. And that’s just C-SPAN.”

Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “Dole was outraged. He says his real fear is that young people are growing up without the social graces of an Alfonse D’Amato, the respect for the presidency of a Jesse Helms or the tolerance of a Pat Buchanan.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Yale University senior facing larceny charges for allegedly lying on an entrance exam: “School officials claim he lied about grades, references and family history. He could receive six months in jail, a $10,000 fine or a Yale law degree.”

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Chrysler quandary: On gambling/entertainment mogul Kirk Kerkorian and Lee Iacocca’s bid for Chrysler:

* “The duo offered $22 billion, but the company said ‘no’ after leaving the room to pretend to speak with the sales manager.” (Church)

* “Seems like a great price, $22 billion. But it doesn’t include tax, license and dealer prep.” (Michael Connor)

* “New cars will be equipped with coin-operated speedometers. . . . Advanced models will get 7, 11, or 21 miles to the gallon. . . . Hagglers will battle salesmen, sales managers and pit bosses.” (Mills)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Stylist Allen Edwards gave Marcia Clark a new hairdo while lawyer Barry Scheck ripped Dennis Fung a new orifice.” (Cutler)

* “Clark was forced to change her ‘do. Judge Ito was about to cite her for contempt of coif.” (Paul Ryan)

* “While enduring Scheck’s questioning, Fung admitted he made yet another big mistake: deciding to become a criminalist.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Prosecutors are denying that police tore up O.J.’s plumbing in his house looking for evidence. They’re bringing in a lawyer who’s also a plumber. How much does he charge?” (Jay Leno)

* “Kato Kaelin may star in a sitcom. Possible titles include: ‘Star Trek: Deep Spaced Out,’ ‘Beverly Hills Zero,’ and ‘Murder, He Forgot.’ ” (Healey)

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Monterey Park reader Dorothy Howell and her daughter, 3, stayed one summer in Newport Beach’s Canal Street area. As the two faced the ocean and played in the canal water, the little girl said:

“Let’s try the water on the other side. This is too salty!”