L.A. STORIES : Ever Notice How Some Writers Ramble?

I frequently notice random things that no one else seems to. I’m always asking friends, “Did you notice that . . ? “ and usually get the answer “Nope” or “Why should I--that’s utterly inconsequential.” The other day, one such friend wished that instead of badgering acquaintances with inconsequential observations, I would badger the general readership with them--seeing as I am a writer lucky enough to have an occasional forum. So . . .

Have you noticed lately that:

Marcia Clark is left-handed.

Sally Kellerman’s sultry and salacious voice is sliding its rhapsodic way through almost every ad on radio. (Including spots for food, automobiles and funeral homes.)

Baldness is a handsome fashion option for African American men, while bald white guys just look like . . . bald white guys.

No one knows how to count change anymore. Example: If you spend $7.50 out of a $10 bill, the cashier will hand you change and say, “Two dollars and 50 cents,” instead of handing you coins and two bills and reciting “that’s eight, nine and 10.”

TV news hosts’ sign-offs no longer make any sense. Example: “For Charlie, I’m Mary. Good night.” She’s Mary for Charlie, but is she Mary for anyone else?

The first new vinyl 45 RPM single by the Beatles with an Apple label to be released since 1970 (!) has slipped quietly into music stores.

The waitresses at the famed Philippe the Original, “Home of the French-Dip Sandwich,” no longer have their names embroidered on their uniforms.

Since smoking has been widely banned, the smell of cigarettes is much more conspicuous. Lone street-corner smokers seem to positively reek.

President Clinton smiles the same way President Reagan did. Both favor that tight-lipped upside-down smile meant to suggest determination/pride.

No one in professional basketball has the grace or agility to shoot a skyhook since Kareem retired.

Most stand-up comedians aren’t remotely funny.

Professional baseball players aren’t uniting to donate part of their salaries to help out the peanut vendors, ushers, custodians and concessionaires who lost a lot of money during the strike.

People seem to either be bathing less or using less deodorant than they used to. This is especially apparent on buses.

There is no good reason for most live-at-the-scene news reports to be live. Example: Myriad TV reporters are declaring, “Live from outside the Criminal Courts Building (where absolutely nothing is going on), this is . . . “

Reputable people in the military and scientific fields still insist on pronouncing nuclear as “nuke-u-ler.” You’d think people who work with weapons capable of destroying the world at least could pronounce the weapons’ names properly.

You can’t dial phones anymore.

A writer for a magazine or newspaper discovers a largely unused word, and before long newspaper and magazine writers everywhere have picked it up. Recent example: hardscrabble and, to describe something in an adjoining location, hard by .

If you wave to firefighters riding around on their shiny red trucks, they still wave back at you.

The written explanations of artworks posted at major museums are generally presumptuous, speculative, self-indulgent, and significantly lacking in scholarly information and anecdote.

The oranges you get as post-meal refreshment in Chinese and Japanese restaurants are almost always much sweeter and juicier than the oranges you buy in the market.

People no longer seem to understand the use of the apostrophe. One of many rampant examples, from the front of a record store: “Used Record’s.”

Many people have taken to pronouncing male as “mell” and female as “femell.”

Pedestrians walking down narrow sidewalks often don’t bother to move aside for other pedestrians approaching. They will sometimes actually brush against oncoming pedestrians, rather than move an inch or two aside. (Is this a New York mentality?)

People no longer seem to understand the use of quotation marks--they often use them to highlight something. Example: a sign on someone’s lawn reading “Garage Sale.” This, I assume, means it isn’t really a garage sale--it’s something that looks like a garage sale.

You can almost count on motorists running red lights.

Police always seem to refer to male suspects as “Mr.” or “the gentleman.” Example: “the gentleman then allegedly produced a small-caliber handgun and fired.” Or “Mr. Jeffrey Dahmer is in custody. . . .” Historically, the dignity implied by the word gentleman or the title Mr. has not been attained by shooting or eating people.

People--especially TV reporters--constantly misuse the word literally. They usually use it in front of a figurative expression. Example: “The flood literally brought this community to its knees.” Didn’t know communities had knees.

Documentaries about President John F. Kennedy and Adolph Hitler can be found on television almost constantly. If you have cable and you channel surf a lot, you’ll come across the images of one or the other of these two so often that you’d think they’re still alive.

TV newspeople have taken to pronouncing the word defendant as if it were a variety of ant. Example: “the defend- ant is in court.” Webster’s, of course, instructs that the a is neutral.

Directory assistance operators now announce their names. Example: “This is Bev, what city?” It creates the awkward social moment of wondering whether to introduce yourself in return.

When in left-turn lanes, the first driver never bothers to pull as far into an intersection as possible--as driver training manuals advise--in order to allow as many cars as possible to make the turn. Most of the time, these idiots don’t even clear the crosswalk.

Writers sometimes invent frivolous devices in order to fill space, when they are too uninspired to write something substantial. Example: a column about random things other people might not notice.