LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton pledging air power to the U.N. effort in Bosnia: “He would like to send tanks, artillery and other heavy weapons, but they’re all needed as evidence in the Waco hearings.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Yasser Arafat’s wife giving birth to a daughter: “The proud papa has passed out hundreds of cigars. But, so far, no one has had the courage to light one.”

Comedy writer Stan Kaplan, on Boris Yeltsin leaving a hospital and recovering at the Barvikha resort: “Barvikha. That’s Russian for Betty Ford.”

Jay Leno, on Rep. Mel Reynolds’ lawyer saying his client shouldn’t be convicted of having sex with an underage campaign worker because he only had phone sex with her: “Here is the really embarrassing part: It was a one-minute call.”

Mills, on Gov. Pete vowing to appeal a ruling upholding California’s motor-voter law: “The judges also rejected his request to register voters at post offices, saying the pictures of candidates on the wall would violate campaign laws.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on EuroDisney finally showing a profit: “Disney achieved it with staff reductions. Of course, visitors now only get one Pirate of the Caribbean, and the Main Street Electrical Parade is Mickey with a flashlight.”

Leno, on the woman suing a Milwaukee church because, after a board fell on her during a bingo game, she has been experiencing spontaneous orgasms: “And I thought my grandmother got excited during bingo games.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Air Force baseball team that was forced to forfeit a game after bringing in ringers from other bases so it wouldn’t lose to an all-female team: “That raises a medical question: Do you put ice on a bruised male ego?”

Comedy writer W. Tyler Horn, on the sweet, memorable parting words of Charlie Sheen’s greatest love: “Will that be cash, check or credit card?”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The Dream Team is offering free frequent flier miles and a lifetime supply of honey roasted peanuts to anyone who can make its EDTA theory fly.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Reports have the defense bringing in a couple of female lawyers to prepare O.J. for cross-examination. It’ll be the first time an actor hasn’t asked, ‘What’s my motivation?’ ” (Cutler)

* “Judge Ito took the jury to the circus Friday. And when a man came out with a shovel after the elephants, jurors thought it was Johnnie Cochran starting his closing arguments.” (Leno)

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Burbank reader Andy Fuller continually instructs daughter Sonja, 5, on how to handle emergencies. During a talk about Capt. Scott O’ Grady’s Bosnian ordeal, Fuller explained how O’Grady’s plane had been hit by an enemy rocket and blown apart. “What do you think he did next?” he asked Sonja.

She replied: “Called 911?”