Take Cover, Healy’s Out There Somewhere : Radio: A year after broadcaster’s death, his spirit lives on other wavelengths.

Jim Healy, an L.A. radio sports personality for 43 years, died one year ago July 22 at age 70 from complications of liver cancer. For those who have missed his equal-opportunity barbs and his chorus of taped friends and fiends, we offer the following:

Scientists scanning the heavens for cosmic radio transmissions recently were surprised to pick up a sports broadcast. The commentary, about events on Earth, was continually interrupted by blurbs of songs and taped comments of various personalities, some of which were bleeped out.

It was as though Jim Healy, who died a year ago, was broadcasting from the great beyond.

The show began with the strains of a song . . . :

Ray Charles: “Georgia, Georgia . . .”

Healy: “Dateline Anaheim. Excuse me, dateline St. Louis . . .”

Howard Cosell: “Who goofed? I’ve got to know.”

Unidentified voice: “Yeah, I did.”

Healy: “No, I did, you twit. Dateline St. Louis. The oddsmakers at the Caliente Sports Book say the chances of Madame Ram’s team making it to the Super Bowl are 80-1. Do the Rams’ new fans in the Show-Me State know this?”

Benoit Benjamin: “I don’t give a [bleep] about the fans.”

Healy: “Yes, we know, Benoit. Anyway, when a team’s 80 to 1 . . .”

Tim Conway: “Get to the point, will you, Jim?”

Healy: “All right, all right, I’m trying. When a team’s 80-1, what are the oddsmakers saying about it?”

Charles Barkley: “Bad team, man. Bad [bleeping] team.”

Cosell imitator: “Jim Healy, you’ve got a sick show.”

Healy: “And did you see where the Rams are charging those poor rubes in St. Louis $10 to come out and see the team practice? Mama mia! The Rams’ record for the last five years is 23-57. They shouldn’t even charge people to see their games . I mean, it’s only a matter of time before the people of St. Louis ask Madame Ram: Why did you come here?”

Jerome Brown: “We didn’t come here to act monkeys for everybody.”

Healy: “Well, that’s your opinion. Dateline Oakland. Mark Aug. 12 on your calendar for the pro football biggie of the year--the St. Louis Rams vs. the Oakland Raiders.”

Myron Cope: “Yoy and double yoy!”

Jim Harrick: “It’s gonna be another ball-burner.”

Lawrence Welk imitator: “A wunnerful, a wunnerful.”

Healy: “The question is, who are fans in L.A. going to root for?”

Jimmy Johnson, shouting: “How about them Cowboys!”

Benjamin: “I don’t give a [bleep] about the fans.”

Johnny Grant: “Aw, blow it out.”

Healy: “Speaking of bad teams, can you believe the Clippers trading away their second choice in the draft for a couple of guys from Detroit?”

Cosell: “Who goofed? I’ve got to know.”

Johnny Carson: “I thought it was [bleeping] brilliant.”

Healy: “Oh, come on, Johnny. I don’t exactly see the Clippers contending with San Antonio.”

Sportscaster Ed Bieler: “And of course, San Antonio has the river, the San, what is the name of the river that goes through . . .? The San Antonio River goes through the heart of downtown Los Angeles.”

Healy: “You wouldn’t see Bobby Knight making a trade like that.”

Knight: “I forgot more about this [bleeping] game than all you people combined are ever going to know.”

Healy: “Hey, that’s what I was trying to say, Bobby. Can you think of anyone besides Bill Fitch who’d even want to coach the Clippers?”

Bob Costas: “Goldberg would love to do it.”

Healy: “Oh, Goldberg’ll take anything. We know Dick Vermeil wouldn’t do it.”

Vermeil, crying: “I love you guys.”

Healy: “Get ahold of yourself, Dick. Anyway, there are more pressing problems. Dateline Chavez Ravine. Would someone please tell me how the Dodgers can have five players on the All-Star team and still be hovering around .500?”

Vin Scully: “I can’t beeelieve it.”

Healy: “Maybe Mr. Lasorda can tell us.”

Lasorda: “This job is not that [bleeping] easy.”

Healy: “By the way, some people say that Billy Ashley, the Dodgers’ big, wild-swinging outfielder, reminds them of Dave Kingman. And we all know Tommy’s opinion of Dave Kingman.”

Lasorda: “What’s my opinion of Kingman’s performance? What the [bleep] do you think is my opinion of his performance? I thought it was horse [bleep].”

Healy: “I see where Lasorda says he’s introduced rookie star Hideo Nomo to the joys of pasta. Which reminds me. What ever happened to those Lasorda diet commercials? What ever happened to Lasorda’s diet? Have you seen Tommy’s stomach lately? Guess he won’t be endorsing Slim Fast. Slim past , maybe.”

Cosell imitator: “I don’t think that’s funny.”

Carson: “I thought it was [bleeping] brilliant.”

Healy: “Dateline Anaheim. Is it true . . . that reliever Mitch Williams was so self-conscious of his nickname that the Angels’ management instructed the organist never to play the song, ‘Wild Thing’ when he was in the game?”

Voice: “Oh that’s a bunch of bull.”

Costas: “Look, it’s a wacky business. Who cares?”

Healy: “I bull you not, pally. My source is Personable John Hall himself. Of course, Wild Thing lived up to his name anyway, which is why he was dumped. And look where the Angels are without him.”

Singing voice of Gene Autry: “I’m back in the saddle again.”

Healy: “Yes, maybe this will be the year that The Cowboy is rewarded with the pennant he has waited for for so long.”

Nixon imitator: “That’s just plain poppycock.”

Voice: “Riiiight!”

Healy: “You guys are vicious. Next you’re going to tell me you don’t believe that Sports Illustrated is ranking the Brain Surgeons from SC No. 1 in its preseason issue.”

Tom Kelly: “Aw, mercy nurse!”

Voice: “Uh, yeahhh.”

Healy: “Of course, that doesn’t exactly guarantee SC the national championship. You remember who SI had No. 1 last year--Arizona.”

Cosell: “It’s only radio. It’s so simple.”

Healy: “Radio? SI’s a magazine. What’s this guy talking about? I think he’s gone the Leonard Tose route.”

Ed Garvey: “Leonard Tose has lost it.”

Chick Hearn: “We’ve got to get off the air.”

Healy: “You mean the dreaded 6 o’clock tone is coming up? Then let’s pause to savor it.”

Sound of tone.

Healy: “Now we can relax again. Dateline Toluca Lake. At the monthly sportscasters luncheon the other day, Silver-Tipped Stu, the man who never met a meal he didn’t like, came in for some kidding from Dodger coach Billy Russell. Russell asked: ‘What do you think is under more strain, the cables on the Golden Gate bridge or the suspenders on Stu Nahan’s pants?’ ”

Cosell imitator: “Jim Healy, that’s your lowest shot ever.”

Healy: “You might be right about that. Jim Healy. Good night.”