LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

No ifs, ands or butts . . . The President demands new rules to curb teen smoking: “Congress balked, however, when he tried to limit campaign contributions to two PACs a day.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “He wants the tobacco industry to launch a $150-million ad campaign to discourage youth smoking. Try this: ‘This is Joe Camel. This is Joe Camel on a respirator. Any questions?’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “A tobacco industry representative responded today. He had his hair combed so you couldn’t see the three sixes.” (Jay Leno)

* “There will be an immediate impact on government if teen smoking can be curbed. Sen. Robert Packwood’s and Rep. Mel Reynolds’ clothes won’t smell like smoke anymore.” (Brad Halpern)

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on abortion-rights symbol Norma McCorvey suddenly joining the antiabortion movement: “Friends said she just got tired of rowing and decided to wade.”

Leno, on Heidi Fleiss saying her conviction is unfair: “I think the woman has a point. When a woman is arrested for prostitution, she’s jailed. You know what happens to a man? He’s reelected.”

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “There were moans, gasps and tears in the courtroom. And that was just from Charlie Sheen.”

Cutler, on new statistics that show nearly 1.5 million people are now incarcerated in the United States: “Roughly 960,000 criminals are in state prisons, 95,000 are in federal custody, and 5,000 are in Time Warner recording studios.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the Dodgers forfeiting a game Thursday night after fans repeatedly threw free, promotional souvenir balls on the field: “Dodger officials are said to be rethinking next month’s ‘Free Javelin’ giveaway.”

Kaseberg, on the man who ran onto the Del Mar racetrack Thursday during the featured horse race: “Unfortunately, he faded in the stretch, finished third and paid only $2.10 to show.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Defense expert Michael Baden said that as soon as he viewed the bloody socks, he knew immediately that they would lead to a trail that ended in O.J.’s checkbook.” (Halpern)

* “The Dream Team may put O.J. on the stand. It’s the only way they can get at the whole truth: Just how much money do you have left? “ (Alan Ray)

* “Judge Ito said he wanted the nighttime crime-scene tour to move along as quickly as possible. O.J. forgot himself and said, ‘I know a shortcut. We can make it back there in 10 minutes.’ ” (Leno)

* “Why didn’t Kato Kaelin go to this weekend’s championship golf tournament? No one cares about the little putts. “ (Jenny Church)

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While Yvette Herndon of Long Beach was getting great-nephew Richard, 5, ready for preschool, she asked if he had had fun with the two other children who were at his mom’s party the previous night.

“Well,” Richard replied, “Katelin was fun . But I don’t think Carolyn had a nap yesterday.”