LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

A Tale of Two Farces, Chapter I: “On his way back to the dressing room after the fight, Mike Tyson was briefly detained by his parole officer for leaving the scene of a crime.” (Bob Mills)

* “Peter McNeeley’s trainer was the only person hurt. Vinny Vecchione threw in the towel so quick, he pulled a muscle.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “McNeeley went down so fast, Heidi Fleiss demanded 40%.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Don’t want to say McNeeley took a dive, but expert commentary on the fight was provided by Greg Louganis.” (Cutler)

* “McNeeley, overheard at the post-fight news conference: Mike who? I thought they said Cicely Tyson.” (Michael Kirsch)

* “We may not be rid of McNeeley yet. According to the late Andy Warhol, he’s still due 13 minutes and 31 seconds of fame.” (Bob Lacey)

Chapter II: “Before she left, Shannon Faulkner designed a special drill for the Citadel: Take slow legal steps for 2 1/2 years, then run.” (Jenny Church)

* “Look at the bright side of it though. Even after just a week at the Citadel, she still has more military experience than Bill Clinton, Phil Gramm and Newt Gingrich combined.” (Jay Leno)

* “Faulkner watched TV Saturday night and set a new goal: She wants to fight Peter McNeeley.” (Kathy Peyser)

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Also in the news: Mills, on the President’s 49th birthday party: “The Mexican-themed party for friends and aides culminated with guests breaking a giant pin~ata, filled with indictments.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams soliciting suggestions on how to reduce police brutality: “Here’s one: Maybe you should stop referring to a policeman’s territory as his beat .”

* Wonders Cutler: “If this is a brutal and racist police force, don’t you think somebody would have captured it on tape by now?”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on airline pilots trying to get the mandatory retirement age raised: “The FAA disagrees, saying that after age 60, pilots just can’t hold their liquor any more.”

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Making hay . . . from the Iowa straw poll:

* “Why do they call it a straw poll? Because the candidates suck. “ (Church)

* “Pete Wilson finished eighth, just behind Babe.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Michael Huffington wasn’t on the ballot. But just to keep in tip-top political shape, he demanded a recount anyway.” (Tony Peyser)

* “GOP candidate Arlen Specter took part in the Iowa straw poll. The straw won.” (Leno)

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When Altadena reader Dorothy Smale’s granddaughter and her husband drove from Vermont to California with their young children, they stopped in Colorado to photograph a breathtaking view of mountains, snow, lake, rocks and trees. In a hushed tone, their awe-struck daughter, 6, asked:

“Mommy, is it real?”