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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

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A Tale of Two Farces, Chapter I: “On his way back to the dressing room after the fight, Mike Tyson was briefly detained by his parole officer for leaving the scene of a crime.” (Bob Mills)

* “Peter McNeeley’s trainer was the only person hurt. Vinny Vecchione threw in the towel so quick, he pulled a muscle.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “McNeeley went down so fast, Heidi Fleiss demanded 40%.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Don’t want to say McNeeley took a dive, but expert commentary on the fight was provided by Greg Louganis.” (Cutler)

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* “McNeeley, overheard at the post-fight news conference: Mike who? I thought they said Cicely Tyson.” (Michael Kirsch)

* “We may not be rid of McNeeley yet. According to the late Andy Warhol, he’s still due 13 minutes and 31 seconds of fame.” (Bob Lacey)

Chapter II: “Before she left, Shannon Faulkner designed a special drill for the Citadel: Take slow legal steps for 2 1/2 years, then run.” (Jenny Church)

* “Look at the bright side of it though. Even after just a week at the Citadel, she still has more military experience than Bill Clinton, Phil Gramm and Newt Gingrich combined.” (Jay Leno)

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* “Faulkner watched TV Saturday night and set a new goal: She wants to fight Peter McNeeley.” (Kathy Peyser)

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Also in the news: Mills, on the President’s 49th birthday party: “The Mexican-themed party for friends and aides culminated with guests breaking a giant pin~ata, filled with indictments.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams soliciting suggestions on how to reduce police brutality: “Here’s one: Maybe you should stop referring to a policeman’s territory as his beat .”

* Wonders Cutler: “If this is a brutal and racist police force, don’t you think somebody would have captured it on tape by now?”

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Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on airline pilots trying to get the mandatory retirement age raised: “The FAA disagrees, saying that after age 60, pilots just can’t hold their liquor any more.”

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Making hay . . . from the Iowa straw poll:

* “Why do they call it a straw poll? Because the candidates suck. “ (Church)

* “Pete Wilson finished eighth, just behind Babe.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Michael Huffington wasn’t on the ballot. But just to keep in tip-top political shape, he demanded a recount anyway.” (Tony Peyser)

* “GOP candidate Arlen Specter took part in the Iowa straw poll. The straw won.” (Leno)

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When Altadena reader Dorothy Smale’s granddaughter and her husband drove from Vermont to California with their young children, they stopped in Colorado to photograph a breathtaking view of mountains, snow, lake, rocks and trees. In a hushed tone, their awe-struck daughter, 6, asked:

“Mommy, is it real?”

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