You Have to See It to Believe It at the Ballpark

Fernando Valenzuela will pitch at Dodger Stadium tonight, so come on out, because:

--You might never see him pitch again, Fernando being 75 years old and all.

--You might get a great seat, what with about 25,000 empty seats at Thursday night’s “pennant race” game. (Where were you, watching “E.R.”?)

--You might drop by to see if the Dodgers can hit the ball any better than they did in losing to San Diego, 5-1, spraying the ball to all corners of the infield.

--You might check out Tony Gwynn vs. Mike Piazza, a batting-title battle between two mighty woodmen, whose styles and physiques possibly have less in common than any two batters in major league baseball. (It’s like watching Casper the Friendly Ghost against Paul Bunyan.)

--You might like to watch the Dodgers because, well, it sure as heck beats watching the Angels.

--You might like to help salute the 40 “Hometown Hero” school teachers to be honored in a ceremony before tonight’s game --not one of whom went on strike for an extra million dollars.

--You might pick up a ticket or two (or four, or eight) for the Oct. 3-4 playoff games at Dodger Stadium, because, yep, guess what? Plenty still available.

--You might make sure the Dodgers don’t decide to pitch Tom Candiotti tonight, Saturday and Sunday too.

--You might see if they let Candiotti do his job next time, instead of pinch-hitting for him in the fifth inning of a 3-1 game.

--You might be curious if any Dodger can hit a hard ground ball past Padre shortstop Andujar Cedeno, because none did Thursday.

--You might be curious if any Dodger shortstop can knock down a hard-hit ground ball, because the new one isn’t having much more luck than the old one did.

--You might get to see Fernando pitch a no-hitter.

--You might get to see Fernando walk off the mound into the wrong dugout.

--You might get to see Fernando tip his cap to the cheering crowd and tell Hideo Nomo, “Now that’s mania!”

--You might lend some vocal support to Dodger starter Kevin Tapani tonight, because, repeat after me, we do want him to outpitch Fernando, we do want him to outpitch Fernando.

--You might also do the Dodgers the courtesy of watching the left-field scoreboard right along with the players and coaches, as we all play another round of: “Look! Colorado didn’t score!”

--You might get down a bet as to whether the acting commissioner would actually permit any club from the National League West to play in this year’s World Series.

--You might follow up Todd Worrell’s well-spoken words, “We can’t give away any more games,” by reminding the Dodgers: “He means now!”

--You might use your binoculars to see how Piazza, from behind home plate, continues to make Gwynn break up laughing in the batter’s box. (We suggest knock-knock jokes or tickling.)

--You might tell Dodger pitchers to bear down, because Tony Gwynn, unlike some National League batting leaders who will be coming to Los Angeles soon, can hit the ball at sea level.

--You might ask Piazza if he meant what he said in a TV interview, that the Dodgers would feel more comfortable playing Atlanta than Cincinnati in the playoffs. (No, seriously. He really said that.)

--You might mention a couple of things to Mike, one of them being “Greg,” the other one being “Maddux.”

--You might cross your fingers that the Dodgers are just saving themselves for the stretch week.

--Oh, and you might tell the Dodgers that if they get beaten out of this thing by the Houston Astros, they should go on strike and never come back.