THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : Switzer Won’t Make Dean’s List, or Jerry’s

Exactly two weeks ago, owner Jerry Jones stood in the center of his team’s Valley Ranch spread and announced there was “no acceptable reason” the Dallas Cowboys should not return to the Super Bowl.

Which means right about now, he must be finding his head coach pretty unacceptable.

Barry Switzer’s thick neck visibly tightened Monday after his Cowboys’ 38-20 loss to the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.

The appearance was not surprising for someone who has just been fitted for a noose.

“I’m dumbfounded,” he said. “I have no explanation for how something like that could have happened.”

When your expensive new car breaks down, this is not something you want to hear from your mechanic.

And this is certainly not something the Cowboys want to hear from their coach.

They want reasons. They want explanations. They want promises.

Switzer offered none of those, substituting confusion, excuses and, of course, humor.

Someone asked him about this quote from Charles Haley about the 49ers: “When we see that red jersey walk into the stadium, I think we’re totally intimidated of them.”

Switzer, whose job description includes making certain his players are afraid of nothing, chuckled.

“Uh, who else in the league wears red?” he asked. “A couple of teams, right? So maybe we’re in big trouble.”

Truth is, the Cowboy players truly believe they are in big trouble.

No matter what happens the rest of the season, which isn’t at all promising if quarterback Troy Aikman’s bruised knee doesn’t heal this week as expected, the Cowboys figure they will have to play the 49ers again to reach the Super Bowl.

And they privately worry that, again, their coach will be outsmarted.

No, Switzer did not fumble (that was Michael Irvin) or throw the interception (Aikman did) that led to a 17-0 deficit in the first five minutes Sunday.

“We tell them not to fumble,” Switzer said facetiously. “Maybe we don’t tell them enough.”

But Switzer did oversee the defensive scheme that allowed Jerry Rice to gain 155 yards on pass receptions in the first half while Deion Sanders was on the other side of the field.

Without those four passes, all of which began with Rice positioned next to a tackle instead of on the flanks, the Cowboys would not have been trailing at halftime, 31-7.

“We fully anticipated Rice to line up in the slot; that did not surprise us,” Switzer said.

Oh yeah? Listen to safety Darren Woodson, who spent most of the first half yelling at the sidelines, pleading for coaches to change the scheme.

“We didn’t think he would line up in the slot, no way,” Woodson said.

And Switzer was in charge of his team’s preparation for this game, which appeared less than adequate considering his players committed four turnovers, two key third-down penalties in the first-quarter crush and allowed 49er quarterback Elvis Grbac to throw for a career-high 305 yards.

Were the 49ers better prepared?

“They won, so they must have been,” Woodson said. “They had the right players in the right places.”

And then there was the second-half mix-up showing that the coach of the most-celebrated team in the NFL does not know the rules.

Midway through the third period, backup quarterback Wade Wilson injured his thumb, and emergency quarterback Jason Garrett was rushed into the game for one play while Wilson was being examined.

But then officials informed Switzer that, uh, well, sir, if you bring your emergency guy into the game, you have to call time out or you can’t use Wilson again until the fourth quarter.

Switzer said, oh, OK, and called a timeout. Then once Wilson was medically cleared, he put him back into the game.

It was embarrassing not only for the players, but the Texas Stadium fans, who gave their beloved Garrett a standing ovation when he ran into the huddle . . . and then sighed when he ran off the field. Upon seeing Wilson again, they booed.

“I knew the rule, but I just ran out there like I was told,” Garrett said. “It was weird.”

Like many of his players, Switzer showed up Monday requiring treatment for bruises.

Randy Galloway, a columnist for this city’s largest newspaper, wrote in the Dallas Morning News that Switzer’s team had been “Unprepared. Heartless. Clueless. Disorganized. Disgraceful. Overconfident. Outcoached.”

A few pages later, in a game report card in the same newspaper, Switzer was given an F.

The area’s other large newspaper was kinder.

That one gave him a D.

Which is nothing compared to what Switzer will find on his report card if he does not take this wonderfully talented, Deion Sanders-charged team to the Super Bowl.

Jones, who spent a fortune on bonus money to build this team, will expel him.

And give him 45 million reasons why.

Just wondering, but did Jimmy Johnson ever say he was dumbfounded?