His Fondest Wishes Go in One Year and out the Other

Why couldn’t this happen in 1996?

* That we have a presidential election where voter turnout gets up to 70 or 80%?

* That Madonna only records in the studio and gives concerts but otherwise is never quoted in a newspaper or magazine?

* That Curt Pringle grows a handlebar mustache?

* That the Angels rally from 12 games back in late August to win the American League West title?

* That for one 24-hour period, no one in America shoots someone else?

* That California legislators realize their respective party’s numbers in both houses reflect a state of diverse points of view and that consensus should be the prevailing mentality, not winner-take-all?

* That at least one U.S. senator or representative announces they’re switching from the Republican to Democratic party?

* That someone steps forward in Orange County and establishes himself or herself as a true leader with vision and integrity?

* That someone explains why Orange County needs more cookie-cutter housing developments?

* That people so down on bilingual education ask themselves if, given their druthers, they’d rather be able to speak two languages instead of one?

* That Julia Ormond finds time to give me a call?

* That political correctness be declared null and void?

* That Howard Stern tones down his act and gets a late-night talk show?

* That I get up to speed on the Internet?

* That Orange County does something that gets us favorable national attention?

* That before we have a revolution of the working class, someone explains what’s happening to American job security?

* That someone writes a song that takes its place among the greatest melodies of all time?

* That Curt Pringle gives up his glasses for contact lenses?

* That my alma mater, the University of Nebraska, wins a third straight national title?

* That Assembly Republicans prove they want to move the state forward by coming up with meaningful legislation, rather than playing petty politics and seeing their moment in the sun end quickly?

* That only people who are capable of rearing children have them?

* That every vending machine across America works every time?

* That Ross Perot is not allowed to run for president?

* That the young hookers on Harbor Boulevard realize that’s not the answer?

* That every American reads at least one book a month?

* That pols from both political parties go into a smoke-filled room and declare that Colin Powell will be the only candidate on the presidential ballot and that if we don’t like it, tough, and that the only contest will be for vice president?

* That Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino make another movie together?

* That Oliver Stone makes a movie about Oliver Stone?

* That Lou Sheldon is seen going into Paddy Murphy’s?

* That Rod Carew’s teenage daughter catches a break and finds a blood donor?

* That William Popejoy resurfaces?

* That the Bosnian operation actually works?

* That Curt Pringle lets his hair grow and ties it in a ponytail?

* That cigarettes are banned?

* That we require all Board of Supervisor candidates to take a minimum-competency test, much like college-bound students who must take the SATs, before being allowed to run for office?

* That the cure for AIDS be found?

* That I hit the lottery?

* That all books written by participants in the O.J. Simpson trial are big flops?

* That Bill and Hillary Clinton renew their marriage vows in front of a national television audience?

* That people come to their senses before pushing bills that would give everyone the right to carry a concealed weapon?

* That doctors reverse themselves and declare that neither exposure to the sun nor steak sandwiches are harmful?

* That for a one-year period, all movies must be made in black-and-white?

* That this column be consistently entertaining and informative?

Dana Parsons’ columns appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.