Ice Doesn’t Numb Pain of King-Size Transactions

Downey’s California:

--Three phrases frighten me. “Freeze, this is the police.” “Open your mouth and say ‘Ahhh.’ ” “The Kings made a trade.”

This week, those clueless, Cupless, gullible, I’ll Take Curtain No. 3, Monty deal-makers gave away Rick Tocchet to the Boston Bruins even-steven for Kevin Stevens, which means that what they really did was give away Luc Robitaille for a guy who has scored 25 goals in two years.

Robitaille could score 25 goals in two months.

These knuckleheads traded Robitaille for Tocchet in the first place. I swear, the Kings would trade Wayne Gretzky to an ice show for Kristi Yamaguchi.

And so, rather than trade Gretzky, what the Kings are doing is continuing their master plan of trading every good player they have except Gretzky, rather than trading Gretzky for several good players.

Shrewd.

I guess this is why Forum fans disagree with my advice to trade the Great Western Gretzky, because in their hearts, they know that the Kings will go right out and trade Wayne and a cow for a bag of magic beans.

If they could get value for value, they could trade Gretzky and improve the team. Fans would be sad, but at least the score wouldn’t be Hartford 7, Kings 0 after two periods.

One brilliant reader wrote a letter last week, saying I was wrong to suggest trading Gretzky because I was also the one who suggested that the Rams trade Eric Dickerson, and look how that turned out. Yep, that’s why our hockey team shouldn’t make a trade, all right; because our football people were stupid.

But OK, I get it. You love Gretzky. You want him. You want to watch Wayne with whichever players the Kings get to play with Wayne. Because the only important thing is, keep Wayne.

My mistake.

The fans have spoken. Wayne should stay.

Besides, any announcement that the Kings had traded him would terrify me too much to take the call. I’d be afraid that they traded Gretzky for six Bruins, only to then find out that they were from UCLA.

--For $29.95, O.J. Simpson will reveal what really happened. For $34.95, he’ll also throw in chipping tips.

--Strange coincidence: Magic Johnson quit playing pro basketball in 1991, and so did the Boston Celtics.

--Magic should leave 32 retired and pick a new number. Wear 45, sell lots of jerseys like Jordan.

--Call me crazy, but I like Pittsburgh today. The town, not the team.

--Give that race stuff a rest. Troy Aikman’s only prejudice is against players with black jerseys.

--Having a Super Bowl in Arizona, you know what players fear most? Snakes.

--NBC’s “Must-See TV” won’t necessarily include the second half.

--Her tennis looks great, but who does Monica Seles’ hair? Last time I saw something like that on someone’s head, it was on Davy Crockett.

--Seven-foot-seven Gheorghe Muresan, the Washington monument, is a better NBA center than I ever dreamed he would be. He’s got Mummy moves and Frankenstein feet, but, I swear, he’s more mobile than Manute Bol, more valuable than Shawn Bradley, more reliable than Roy Tarpley, more in shape than Oliver Miller. OK, so Congress should make him our 51st state. Ya gotta love the big lug.

--Speaking of big Georges, I do not dread George Foreman’s getting hurt by Mike Tyson (occupational hazard) so much as I dread spending an entire evening watching Foreman make $20 million by crossing his arms in front of his face and blocking 12 rounds of punches with his ham hocks.

--Speaking of big, punchy people, thumbs up to Nate Newton of the Dallas Cowboys, thumbs down to Tom Arnold of the Golden Globes.

--Speaking of big Newtons, I bet you didn’t know that the ZIP Code of Newton Falls, Ohio, is 44444.

--Sparky Mortimer, 10-year-old “sportscaster” sent by David Letterman to the World Series and now the Super Bowl, has no business being there, because he is hardly your typical media person. He dresses well and has nice hair.

--On Jay Leno’s show the other night from Phoenix, first Chris Farley came out carrying a football, then Sports Illustrated’s cover models were shown in their swimsuits. Be grateful it wasn’t the other way around.

--Give credit to Sports Illustrated, it still cranks out 51 decent issues a year.

--I just saw “Leaving Las Vegas,” because I thought it was going to be about Jerry Tarkanian.

--Nike should sign Elisabeth Shue.

--Chicago now has four good Bulls: Jordan, Pippen, Rodman and Tarta.

--The NHL’s Ottawa Senators fire their coach. Whoa, now there’s a breaking news story that doesn’t need a second sentence.

--Whitewater, big deal. So Hillary Rodham Clinton goes rafting, who cares?

--A judge just sentenced that Ram cheerleader involved in the Darryl Henley case to serve four months behind bars. I hear her first words after the verdict were: “Gimme a J! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an L! What’s that spell?”