Punchlines

In the news: The White House is trying to figure out who wrote the anonymous novel “Primary Colors,” based on President Clinton’s 1992 campaign and clearly written by an insider. Says Jenny Church, “The author might be in the book room, sitting on a table.”

The stopgap spending bill includes trims to the travel budgets of Cabinet members, says Tony Peyser. “Hazel O’Leary can still fly all over the world but she has to ride in the overhead bin.”

The Christian Coalition is not exactly thrilled with GOP candidate Steve Forbes but the Cutler Daily Scoop can’t figure out why not. “After all, he carries around all those little pieces of paper that say In God We Trust.”

Cindy Garcia, the 10-year-old, 8 1/2-months-pregnant runaway from Houston, apparently was not really 10, not really 8 1/2 months pregnant, not really from Houston and not really named Cindy Garcia. Says Steve Tatham, “Some people really get into the spirit of an election year.”

Offensive linemen, violent contact, foul language--Kenny Noble says it’s no wonder they called this year’s game Super Bowl XXX.

Olestra is the Robin Hood of food additives, says Noble. “It robs from the rich in fat and gives to the poor in shape.”

* Adds Eduardo de la Torre Jr., “I went to a restaurant where they had all the latest foods--fake salt, fake sugar and that new fake fat. So I paid with a fake check.”

The maybe-yes, maybe-no takeover of Hasbro, makers of G.I. Joe, by Mattel, makers of Barbie, could lead to a new product, says Charlie Reinke: “Sexually Harassed Barbie.”

* Adds Alan Ray, “Company restructuring could have taken years. Some assembly was required.”

Now the federal government is investigating the toy-distribution industry. Says Cutler, “Spokesmen deny that Santa Claus is a target of the probe.”

Eleven wolves have been released into the wild at Yellowstone. It’s to balance the ecology, says Ray. “The area was in desperate need of more lawyers.”

Former tobacco execs admitted last week that their boss lied to Congress when he said he didn’t add nicotine to cigarettes. Tatham guesses that guy wishes his ex-employees had stronger filters.

It looks like Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley are going to go through with their divorce. “It’s quite an event,” says Argus Hamilton. “The post office is issuing a commemorative stamp that shows Elvis putting his gun back in the truck.”

The Monkees may reunite for their 30th anniversary. Alex Kaseberg says their new version of “I’m a Believer” goes, “And then you saw my face, now I’m an old geezer . . . “

*

Reader Betty Chapman of Beverly Hills and her granddaughter, Hannah, 9, were visiting a friend who was having many problems. The friend asked if Chapman knew of a psychiatrist. “There are many in Beverly Hills,” she replied. “I know of eight on just one block.” Said Hannah:

“Is that your mental block?”