We Need Stadium Name That Will Fly

Downey’s California:

--I wouldn’t know what to call a new football stadium here. All the good airlines are taken.

We already are too late to be the United Center, the America West Arena, the Delta Center, the Continental Airlines Arena, the Trans World Dome. . . . About all we’re left with is Lufthansa Stadium. Either that, or Virgin Atlantic Field. This is what happens when you wait too long. We’ll probably end up naming the place after a bank, or some company that manufactures weed whackers.

Waiting is our specialty. They say L.A. people leave early, but truth is, we arrive late. For example, Cleveland gets to keep the name Browns for its NFL team. Seattle gets to keep the name Seahawks, if it loses its team. Ahhh, but did anybody here think to keep the name Rams, before we let our team leave? No, we were too busy making sure Georgia Frontiere got on the plane.

I guess Cleveland fans didn’t want the name Rams back. They had it first. Cleveland only wanted its team back, which it got. All Baltimore got was the players. Looks like one of those deals that helps both sides.

Meantime, here at BehringWatch, we still don’t know what we have. So far, NFL owners have covered their eyes, ears and lips, like three monkeys. Commissioner Tag the Body refuses to pronounce the Pacific Northwest dead, so maybe the Seahawks will end up in Spokane. (Or else the Yukon.) Oregon is closed, due to flooding.

I sure hope we straighten this out soon. We could end up with four fields and no team. Pretty soon, my 1996 NFL pocket schedule is going to read: Oct. 13, Unnamed Baltimore Squad vs. Mystery West Coast Club, at Stadium Under Repair or Construction. I recommend to fans that we show up at every stadium that day, just in case there’s a game.

By the way, thanks for all the mail notifying me that there’s already a Whittier high school that calls its team the Condors. I’m sure the NFL wouldn’t want to have Cleveland, Seattle and Whittier mad at it. Anyhow, if Disney ends up owning the team, they’ll probably call it the Lion Kings or the Pocahontases. Anything to plug a movie.

--O.J., call me. Any night after 10.

--Teemu Selanne is a Mighty Duck. That’s funny. I thought Teemu was a whale.

--The bad news for Teemu is that he doesn’t get to play in Winnipeg any more. The good news for Winnipeg is that it doesn’t have to play in Winnipeg much longer.

--Kelly Hrudey told the Kings he would like to spend more time in goal. What the Kings would like to see in their goal is fewer pucks.

--Coach Larry Robinson wrote on the Kings’ chalkboard: “There Is No ‘I’ in Team.” There isn’t one in Teemu, either.

--Magic Johnson is on the cover of Time and Newsweek and U.S. News and World Report and Sports Illustrated. Top that one, Springsteen.

--Pat Riley once strongly urged Magic to play for the New York Knicks. I think this is the real reason for Magic being bigger, stronger and slower.

--Dave Winfield, 44, retired from baseball with 465 homers and 3,110 hits. Knowing my fellow Hall of Fame voters, they will penalize him for not having 765 homers and 5,110 hits.

--I see where the San Diego Padres are bringing back their old mascot, a small round friar. I thought that’s what the Chicken was.

--On ABC’s “World News Now,” while showing film from a Super Bowl victory parade through Dallas, anchorwoman Thalia Assuras called it “an almost annual event.” Yes, 1972, 1978, 1993, 1994, 1996, you could set your calendar by it.

--NBC “Meet the Press” anchorman Tim Russert, covering the Iowa caucuses, told Tom Brokaw: “You should consider this the regional finals. Four people will go on to the quarterfinals in New Hampshire.” Nice analogy, Tim, but we call those semifinals.

--I have nothing to report from CBS. Haven’t seen CBS in years.

--Pebble Beach paid every player $5,000 for not playing golf in the rain. Nice work if you can get it.

--Davis Love III and Orel Hershiser IV were partners in the Pebble Beach pro-am, where they shot a LXXII.

--Baltimore could call its NFL team the Crabs.

--Mmmm, maybe not.