Punch Lines

In the news: In New Hampshire, President Clinton spoke to 10,000 cheering fans who stood outside in 10-degree weather for an hour to hear him. Says Argus Hamilton, “It was worth it to see the only man who can beat Clinton in ’96.”

Pat Buchanan says there’s no room on his campaign staff for racists or sexists. Of course not, says David Gee: “Those positions were filled months ago.”

Bob Dole has decided to do something about all the violence and extremism on TV, says Hamilton: “He’s pulling his own ads.”

If Lamar Alexander actually becomes the GOP nominee and manages to defeat Clinton, Jerry Perisho wonders whether L.L. Bean will make him a tux for the inauguration.

In West Virginia, abortion opponents have proposed a bill that would require women seeking abortions to wait 24 hours and review photos of fetuses. Says Joe Vogel, “Pro-choicers want women to wait 24 hours and take a good, hard look at the people of West Virginia.”

The company that makes Dial soap is forming separate firms by breaking itself in two. Says Perisho, “Don’t you hate when that happens? I usually end up just throwing both pieces away.”

Major league baseball is enlarging the strike zone to include the kneecap. Says Alex Kaseberg, “It’s called the Tonya Harding rule.”

Spring training has begun. Baseball teams are practicing the all-important squeeze play, says Alan Ray: “Players will see if they can squeeze management for more money.”

Chess champ Garry Kasparov finally beat that computer IBM Deep Blue, four matches to two. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Kasparov says now that he’s mastered the computer, he’ll try to master his VCR.”

* Adds Hamilton, “IBM never should have laid off half their pawns.”

* Adds Perisho, “His opponent could evaluate 50 billion positions in three minutes. I didn’t know Madonna even played the game.”

Actor Tony Randall, 75, recently married a woman who is 25. Says Hamilton, “She admitted she was nervous on her wedding night. Mother never told her about CPR.”

Heidi Fleiss frequent flier Charlie Sheen’s marriage is breaking up after six months. Says Kaseberg, “Things never recovered after the first night of their honeymoon, when he asked her if he could start a tab.”

A priceless collection of 400 Faberge eggs is on display at New York’s Metropolitan Museum. Says Bob Mills, “In a similar vein, Hollywood will soon put some of its costliest eggs on display, beginning with ‘Judge Dredd,’ ‘Waterworld’ and ‘Exit to Eden.’ ”

*

While spending an evening with her young grandchildren, reader Hiliary Bryant of Harbor City remarked to Chrystal, 7, “It’s a pleasure to be around you when you are so polite and so pleasant.” With a serious expression, Chrystal replied:

“Nana, that’s just because you’re here. I can’t keep it up all the time.”