Money Can’t Buy Belle Manners

Downey’s California:

--Albert Belle yelled at me! Fine him! Ban him from baseball!

He yells at Hannah Storm, baseball fines him $50,000! He yells at me, nothing!

I looked it up in the rule book, and sure enough, there it was: Rule 99-C: “Any baseball player who is mean to Hannah Storm is punishable by fine, suspension or possible imprisonment.”

But how about me? Albert was mean to me too!

All I did was ask: “Albert, how about an interview?”

Albert yelled: “No!”

Did anybody fine him $50,000? No!

Fifty dollars? No!

So unfair! Ballplayers yell at me all the time! But I’m not on TV! I can’t get a job on TV, because I’ve never written for the Boston Globe!

I went back to ask Albert: “Why did you yell at me?”

Albert said: “I thought you were that other woman.”

This happens to me all the time! Well, I’m not taking this any more!

If Mike Piazza yells at me, it’ll cost him 50 grand! Hideo Nomo, 50,000 yen! Ismael Valdes, 50,000 pesos!

Seriously, baseball has a lot of stupid rules, but this could be the most stupid yet. Fining a player $50,000 because he was rude, that is the height of absurdity. Hannah Storm is an adult. She can take care of herself. I wish Albert Belle had better manners, yes, but you don’t fine somebody $50,000 for assault with a deadly tongue.

--It just occurred to me. If Pat Buchanan ran this country, the Dodgers wouldn’t have a pitching staff.

--St. Louis takes our NFL team. St. Louis takes our NHL star. Personally, I feel that city is no longer eligible for sainthood.

--In a stunning development, even though Villanova vs. Georgetown basketball and the Doral Open golf tournament were both broadcast by CBS, network executives did not permit Elizabeth Taylor to appear on either program to pitch her perfume. This oversight should be corrected by CBS in time for the NCAA tournament.

--By the way, the Final Four will be in East Rutherford, N.J., which could use a new fragrance.

--Lamar Alexander sounds like one of those schools that plays the favorite in the first round of the NCAA tournament.

--Well, today is Sunday. Is this a Tony Phillips retirement day or an un-retirement day?

--Reporting the weather on Fox TV’s morning news, “Good Day L.A.,” has been Jillian Barberie, whose husband, Bret, now plays baseball for the Chicago Cubs. Believe me, her long-range forecast is better than the Cubs’.

--Breaking news: J.R. Reid of Knicks elbows A.C. Green of Suns. Headline: A.C. OK AFTER J.R. KO.

--No, “Up Close and Personal” is not a movie about Jim McKay.

--Making it to the Super Bowl was so personally satisfying for the Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback and the Dallas Cowboy MVP that, first chance they got, they told their teams to take a hike. Thanks, Neil. Thanks, Larry. See you at Disney World.

--Jumbo Elliott just joined the New York Jets. Guess that makes him Jumbo, Jet.

--He used to be Jumbo, Giant.

--Magic Johnson on the Wayne Gretzky trade: “I’m one of those people who did go to Kings’ games before he got here. Of course, the only games I went to were when Edmonton was here.”

--No need to retire 99 as a uniform number. Which other player in his right mind would wear it?

--Shawn Bradley, 7 feet 6, got into a fight the other night. His best punch is a downercut.

--My favorite thing about the Los Angeles Marathon is that it is the only news event L.A. television covers with a helicopter that doesn’t involve a police car.

--David Justice won a World Series but lost Halle Berry. Off hand, I wouldn’t make that trade.

--Golf is a sport where somebody’s idea of a fast-breaking news story is that the winner had to borrow a putter.

--Fred Claire, sign Ozzie Smith. Let’s see how that snotty little St. Louis likes that.