LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

Oscar wild: Family values took a beating at the Academy Awards, says Argus Hamilton. “Voters had to choose between a drunk, three hookers and a guy on death row. For the first time, Nixon lost an election because he wasn’t mean enough.”

* “After ‘Braveheart’ won best picture, the pig from ‘Babe’ demanded a recount. But the boys from Price Waterhouse assured him that everything was kosher.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “I’m sure glad Mel Gibson won. In some small way it might help make up for Mel’s being so ugly, poor and unpopular with women.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Sharon Stone earned a special award for Least Supporting Role Played by a Gown.” (Bill Williams)

* “When Anjelica’s microphone didn’t work, I was waiting for Whoopi Goldberg to say, ‘Huston, we have a problem.’ ” (Mike Priester)

* “The envelope naming the winner of best dramatic score got lost on its way to the podium. Wouldn’t you know, the name inside was ‘The Postman.’ ” (Tony Peyser)

* “What a great evening for Hollywood--parties all over town and no threat of Pat Buchanan or Ross Perot starting ones of their own.” (Paul Ecker)

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Ballot boxing: Tuesday was election day. Says Jenny Church, “Some were so fed up with this colorless primary that they voted for Anonymous.”

Several ballot propositions to limit lawsuits against corporations pitted trial lawyers against corporate lawyers. Asks Kaseberg, “How do you pick sides on this one? It’s like a fight between Tonya Harding and Leona Helmsley.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “Some voters tried to combine Proposition 197, which would permit hunting of mountain lions, with Proposition 202, which would limit legal fees, in hopes of legalizing the hunting of lawyers.”

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In the news: They’re flooding the Colorado River to reinvigorate the Grand Canyon ecosystem and redeposit layers of old sediment and scum that’s built up for decades. Says Kenny Noble, “If it works, they’ll try it on the Potomac.”

A seismologist says a fault line running through the Los Angeles area may be adjusting itself to relieve stress. Yeah, says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “it’s moving to Seattle.”

After almost 30 years, Disneyland will revise Tomorrowland to make it more futuristic. Asks Paul Steinberg, “Why not just leave it alone and rename it Todayland?”

The European Union has banned all exports of British beef because of the “mad cow disease” scare. Says Hamilton, “Feminists don’t like that name. If the cow is mad, if must be because of something the bull said or did.”

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Reader Jo Paris of North Hollywood says her granddaughter Sydney, 7, was watching cartoons one morning when the television screen went blank. An announcer explained that there were technical difficulties. Suddenly, Sydney jumped up and ran over to stand next to the TV. Her mother asked what she was doing. Sydney laughed and said:

“Well, he said please stand by.”