Punch lines

To honor victims of last year’s Oklahoma City bombing, the three major networks will go silent for 168 seconds this morning. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “The silence will dramatically increase the quality of daytime TV.”

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In the news: Republicans and Democrats are asking Hollywood to cut down on violent programming. Says Argus Hamilton, “There’s no question that TV has a huge influence. More and more criminals are now wearing that Rachel hairstyle.”

For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to “life in prison without possibility of a book deal,” says Charlie Reinke.

* Adds Hamilton, “The brothers will be easy to spot at San Quentin. Their serial number is 90210.”

* Adds Cutler, “Janet Reno will get a hickey before rich people get the death penalty.”

Spy magazine has declared Texas “the No. 1 Most Annoying State.” Says Alex Pearlstein, “Gov. George W. Bush cut short his press conference denying the charge. He was late for his lecture on chalkboard-scratching and leaf-blowing.”

MTV has decided to use the suspected Unabomber’s cabin for its next installment of “The Real World,” says the Olympia Daily World. “Seven Gen-X loners will be thrown together to see how they spend their spare time.”

* Kenneth Zimmerman says he saw a bumper sticker that said, “My child was student of the month at Harvard and is the Unabomber.”

OK, so the Chicago Bulls set a record by winning 70 games this season. Says Cutler, “The Lakers are still the best team--when push comes to shove.”

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Hot cars: Ford may have to recall millions of cars because faulty ignitions could cause them to catch fire:

* “The folks in marketing haven’t missed a beat. If Broncos are found to be a fire hazard, they will be renamed Blazers.” (Alan Ray)

* “Apparently, quality was Job Two.” (Paul Steinberg)

* “When Ford dealers advertise red-hot deals, they’re not kidding.” (Bob Mills)

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Garbage in, garbage out: Someone in Australia has invented software that will help a person commit suicide, says John Schmidt. “It’s already a hit with users of Windows 95, who still can’t get through to technical support. Hollywood has already bought the film rights. They’re going to call it ‘Hard Drive: With a Vengeance.’ ”

Intuit and America Online are introducing a program for online banking. Says Jenny Church, “Wow! Virtual poverty.”

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Reader Susan Shields of North Hills says her son William, 8, heard a news report that President Clinton was going to Japan and Russia. William asked:

“Is he coming back?”