Punch lines

Zooming gas prices have everyone stunned. Says Jay Leno, “According to a survey, if gas goes up to $20, $30 a gallon, people in L.A. may seriously start thinking about walking the two blocks to the store.”

Buddy Baron offers five sure signs gas prices have gone up:

* You’ve doubled your car’s value just by filling up.

* Before pumping, the attendant lets you sniff the cork.

* Your Chevron card maxes out before your Visa does.

* Elizabeth Taylor has a new brand of gas named after her.

* You teach your 6-year-old how to work a siphon hose.

Further signs, from Bob Mills:

* The highest-priced item at the Jackie O. auction was the 18 gallons she left in her BMW.

* Motorists are putting the Club on their gas caps.

* There are now three sets of pumps: Full Serve, Self Serve and You Spill It, You Bought It.

Adds Alex Kaseberg, “The hot new excuse for missing work is ‘The bank turned down my gas loan.’ ”

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In the news: At Sotheby’s auction of Kennedy memorabilia, a $100 footstool fetched $33,000, a $700 painting drew $6,000 and a $3,000 piano went for $167,000. Says Argus Hamilton, “It got out of hand. Halfway through the sale, John-John set up a kissing booth.”

* Worse than that, says Tony Peyser. “The auctioneer got carried away and sold JFK Jr. to a Michigan investor for $925,000.”

* A humidor once owned by President Kennedy sold for more than half a million dollars. Says Steve Tatham, “Which is cheap, when you realize it can help stave off a Cuban cigar crisis.”

Gov. Pete Wilson says California should be colorblind. Says Paul Ryan, “Then no one would notice our bitchin’ tans, dude! But we already can’t see the poor, the disabled and the homeless, so ignoring colors should be a snap.”

The trial of Japanese cult leader Shoko Asahara for the subway gas attack begins this week. It’s being called Japan’s equivalent of the O.J. trial. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “That’s because Asahara’s lawyers say the reason for the gas attack lies in the world of Faye Resnick.”

Authorities in Eureka are looking for a woman who has reportedly been snatching other people’s babies, breast-feeding them and then giving them back. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Bob Packwood was spotted in the area wearing a diaper and bonnet and holding a sign that says ‘Got milk?’ ”

A survey shows that men under age 55 who have severe hair loss have a much greater risk of a heart attack. Right, says Ryan, “Especially when that $2,000 hairpiece blows off while they’re riding in their girlfriend’s convertible.”

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Reader Jane Bryson of Santa Monica says Bryson Lochte, 4 1/2, surprised his father, Dick, with the observation that the sun is “God’s flashlight.” Dad asked, “Then what is the moon?” Bryson pondered, then replied:

“God’s night light.”