Punch Lines

In the news: As he signed the anti-terrorist bill, President Clinton issued a warning to terrorists. Says Argus Hamilton, “There are marauders who have vowed to wreck the American way of life. They don’t think CEOs can do it alone.”

“To show that their hearts are in the right place,” says Paul Ryan, “Republicans scaled back their welfare reform proposal to allow unwed teenage mothers to eat leftovers from their $50,000-a-plate fund-raisers.”

Thursday was Take Our Daughters to Work Day. Says Kenny Noble, “Gas stations took a different approach and celebrated Take Your Parents to the Cleaners Day.”

The suspected Unabomber once wrote to the Montana Health Department asking about the danger of contracting rabies from skunks. Say Bob Mills, “He must have sensed that sooner or later he’d be caught and have to deal with lawyers.”

The annual stockholders meeting of Philip Morris had very tight security, including metal detectors. Says Steve Tatham, “Luckily for attendees, they did not have smoke detectors.”

In Ohio, Amish teenagers are under fire for blaring boombox music out of their horse-drawn buggies. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “The rowdy teens were also cited for driving under the influence of cider, churning butter above the speed limit and statutory hand-holding.”

An Encino deli features a dietitian who strolls from table to table talking with customers about their food. Says Jenny Church, “Except for busy diners having a none-of-your-damn-business lunch.”

The Dodgers are about to start a World Wide Web site on the Internet. Says Tony Peyser, “It’ll get more hits the first day than the team has had all season.”

A survey shows that women are more likely than men to survive desperate times. Adds Noble, “But most will be happy to make it through the NBA playoffs.”

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Going, going . . . As the Jackie O. auction rolls on, a silver tape measure from Tiffany’s sold for about $49,000. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “A tape measure? Jacqueline Onassis? She probably thought Bob Vila was a summer home in the south of France. And 50 grand for a tape measure? She must have had the same contractors I used.”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “Someone bid $2 million for Jackie’s exquisite Marilyn Monroe voodoo doll.”

*

Reader Randy Bowman and family of Manhattan Beach were driving north on the 405 Freeway near the Sepulveda Pass. As they passed the huge museum under construction to the west, mom Beth made a comment about “the Getty.”

“Is that where they’ll have fights and gangs?” asked daughter Chelsea, 10.

“What?!” asked Mom, Dad and brother Chris, 14, in unison.

“Yeah,” said Chris, “that’s where the gangs are . . . in the Getty.”

After a few moments of reflection, he figured it out: “The ghetto, maybe.”