THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Lake Show Picking Up Some Static

The ‘80s are over, the Lakers learned last week.

In the ‘80s, the Lakers never used to have any confusion about “roles.” They were as set in stone as if Moses had brought them down from Mt. Sinai.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar took hook shots.

James Worthy ran the floor and posted up.

Byron Scott took jumpers.

Michael Cooper hounded Larry Bird and dunked Coop-a-loops.

Pat Riley looked good.

Magic Johnson did everything else.

Of course, all of them have moved on, with Johnson the only one to return as a player (after trials as coach and owner). Since his amigos have been replaced by young men who may have heard of Showtime but couldn’t name all its members, there was bound to be some confusion.

When Johnson returned in January--during a winning streak--there was rejoicing and a spirit of sacrifice all around. Nick Van Exel still ran the team. Johnson played forward and made plays out of the low post. Everyone lost a few minutes and a few shots.

That was the honeymoon. This is the marriage.

Cedric Ceballos took off. He was still the leading scorer and took the most shots, but he’s an ambitious man who felt he was slipping into the woodwork. So he went on his famous boating trip.

Van Exel blew up. He was willing to give up minutes and points, but was in one of his periodic slumps and sitting out fourth quarters while Sedale Threatt played when he threw his famous cross-body block into a referee.

Then Magic bumped his own referee and there went the regular rotation for the rest of the regular season.

The Lakers could have used a soft opener to regroup after the suspensions of captains three but got the Rockets. Van Exel went one for 11 in Game 1, Magic couldn’t figure out where Coach Del Harris wanted him, the Lakers stunk and the moguls in the Forum seats fled up the aisles as if their Lexi were on fire in the parking lot.

Turned out, Harris simply wanted the Laker big men in the post to make Hakeem Olajuwon play defense. Magic simply wanted to be Magic.

Late Saturday afternoon, after they worked it out in Game 2, someone asked Johnson about the old days, when everything radiated from him, as opposed to the new days where he fits in.

“Yeah,” he said, looking unenthusiastic and venturing nothing more.

OK, how did he feel about it?

“I’m not going to even touch that,” he said, laughing. “You know how I am too. You all have known me too long. You know I can’t sit back.

“I’m not good at it, I’ll say that. Is that an answer for you?”

He went on to concede he’d like to start while insisting he can handle this and has no problems with Harris. So now everything is going to be fine, as long as they win in Houston this week. Otherwise, everything will be over. It isn’t the way the Lakers used to do it, but in the ‘80s, their best player didn’t come out of a five-year retirement at midseason. These are the ‘90s and it’s a brave new Laker world.

THIS COULDN’T HAPPEN IF AUERBACH WAS AWAKE

In another bad Boston Celtic decision, M.L. Carr called a news conference after the season, exciting the local press, which had been praying for Rick Pitino.

Of course, everyone reported M.L. was giving up his one-year coaching career to concentrate on his two-year general manager’s career. Imagine what a downer it was to hear he had called them together to announce he was still the coach.

“Some of you have been reading a lot and writing a lot and talking a lot about Rick Pitino,” Carr said. “. . . I said last year when I took the position--and many of you had some laughs--that I would do whatever it takes to bring this team back.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the job is not finished. There is a lot of work to do. I want to end all the speculation right now so I don’t have to deal with it and I can focus on what I need to do. I’m going to coach the Boston Celtics. I will continue the role as head coach and director of basketball operations.”

Red Auerbach, now a kindly consultant, tried to compliment Carr but couldn’t come up with anything better than, “There are very few games that you could say he screwed up.”

Added Auerbach: “We need some help. We know that. Everyone knows that. I think we need about three players. If we can get the right three players, we’ll be a contender. And we’ll get ‘em.”

Shaquille O’Neal, John Stockton and Michael Jordan?

Carr was right about two things, the job isn’t finished--some argue it hasn’t begun--and the laughs part. Outside Boston, the merriment continues.

OUR THIRD ANNUAL CONTRARIAN AWARDS

As my wife and friends could tell you, I take pride in never agreeing with anyone, no matter how right they are.

In this spirit, I would like to commend some people who will probably finish up the track.

DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR--A joke award, since voters need numbers (steals or blocks) to justify picks. This season it looks like Gary Payton.

I’m going with Dennis Rodman. Forget the other stuff. Forget that he isn’t the defender he was. Only a few great shot blockers have as much impact and he’s only 6 feet 8 and 220 pounds--smaller or lighter than every NBA center and power forward.

MOST IMPROVED PLAYER--The Washington Bullets’ Gheorghe Muresan, whose scoring went up 33%, probably will win, but the Clippers’ Brian Williams doubled his average, from 7.9 to 15.8.

With Williams, the Clippers have a viable deal for Antonio McDyess. Without him--he’s a free agent--they don’t.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR--Toronto’s Damon Stoudamire is a lock but Arvydas Sabonis had greater impact with Portland.

If Sabonis had averaged 39 minutes as Olajuwon did, his numbers would have projected to 23 points and 13 rebounds a game. The Trail Blazers were 26-34 when they made him a starter, 18-4 afterward.

Rookies everyone would like to have: 1. Kevin Garnett, Timberwolves. 2. Joe Smith, Warriors. 3. McDyess, Nuggets.

COACH OF THE YEAR--Since the regular season is but a warmup, I’d rather wait to vote on this until we see how the playoffs go.

The winner now would be Cleveland’s Mike Fratello, who outdid his remarkable 1993-94 season. Without Brad Daugherty, Mark Price, Hot Rod Williams and Tyrone Hill, the Cavaliers started 0-7, finished 46-29. But if the New York Knicks take them out in the first round, what did it mean except no lottery pick?

If the Rockets win again, they should forget about honoring Rudy Tomjanovich and canonize him.

If the Chicago Bulls win, Phil Jackson will look good. If they fall, he may have to answer for letting slumping Scottie Pippen play hurt chasing 70 victories.

Others to commend: Doug Collins, Detroit Pistons; Lenny Wilkens, Atlanta Hawks; George Karl, Seattle SuperSonics; Bob Hill, San Antonio Spurs; Harris, Lakers, and Jimmy Lynam, Bullets.

CRUMMY COACH OF THE YEAR--John Lucas, Philadelphia 76ers. They should have won more than 18 games without a coach. Amazingly, he’s still on the job.

CRUMMY RUNNERS-UP: Dick Motta, Dallas Mavericks. They were overrated but it looked as if he started playing for the lottery about Nov. 15. Bernie Bickerstaff, Denver Nuggets. He made good moves as a general manager, but as a coach he saw his team quit on him.

MVP--Jordan, on all cards. Nice to see, after such experts as TNT’s Dick Versace promoted trendy picks like Pippen. Have a clue.

EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR--General Manager Jerry Krause of the Bulls. A prickly little pear, he made the controversial Rodman deal, wisely ignoring years of insisting on “good people” because he was desperate for a rebounder, or in the belief that anyone who averages 15 a game must have some good in him.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

The Bulls’ last home game of the regular season turned into a players’ crusade on behalf of former UCLA player Jack Haley, the NBA’s highest-profile reserve, who was signed because of his friendship with Rodman and stashed on the injured list all season. When Haley was activated, teammates put cobwebs on his dressing cubicle, dust on his uniform and hung up a “Welcome Back, Rudy” sign. Said Haley, “For me it means a lot. I’ve felt it’s important to be a part of the greatest team in history and to get out and show people I’m not Dennis’ baby-sitter. I never have been. I’ve been a basketball player from Day 1.”

After the Charlotte Hornets had forced Coach Allan Bristow to resign, assistant coach Bill Hanzlik said Bristow had lost fights with owner George Shinn and team President Spencer Stolpen on all key decisions--letting Alonzo Mourning go, giving Larry Johnson an $84-million contract extension, both Kendall Gill trades. In recent weeks, Bristow has said privately he was ready to leave and “let someone else work for George.”

Rocket announcers were told to stop calling good performances by Sam Mack “Big Mack attacks,” out of deference to owner Les Alexander’s wife, an animal-rights activist, although McDonald’s is a team sponsor. A Rocket official tells of the flight from Los Angeles to Seattle when Alexander’s wife replaced the meal the players wanted, from Aunt Kizzy’s, a restaurant in Marina Del Rey, with a vegetable concoction. Upon landing in Seattle, players went straight for the burger spots. . . . Sacramento King personnel director Jerry Reynolds, on Shawn Kemp’s one-game suspension: “Can we take it in quarters?”