Punch Lines

Schott happens: Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott’s remark that Hitler “started out good but went too far” continues to reverberate:

* “The Schott heard ‘round the world.” (Joe Kevany)

* “She went on to order players to goose step around the bases after hitting a home run.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “In honor of Marge, when Reds fans do the wave, they only raise one arm.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “She knew she was really in trouble when Louis Farrakhan called and demanded an apology.” (Richard Acello)

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In the news: Atlanta’s high crime rate has Olympics organizers worried:

* “It’s so bad, officials who inspected the Olympic flame suspect arson.” (Bob Mills)

* “For the first time, starters’ pistols will be loaded with real bullets.” (Mills)

* “Hey, fellas, just modernize some of your events: 5,000-meter run from a purse-snatcher; hammer throw through the window of your rental car; 100-meter backstroke and $100 inner-thigh stroke.” (Jerry Perisho)

The California Senate approved unisex restrooms at rural gas stations. Says Stan Kaplan, “Most men don’t care--but women won’t stand for it.”

Pacific Bell wants to raise the price of a phone call. “Great,” says Larry Swerdlow, “first we can’t afford to drive. Now our fingers can’t afford to walk.”

To improve the image of rude cabbies, the New York Taxi Commission will require drivers to say “I’m sorry” and “thank you” to customers. Says Bill Williams, “The drivers’ union won a transition period, in which cabbies are allowed to say ‘I’m %@#&ing; sorry’ and ‘thank you, $*#%.’ ”

Skater Nancy Kerrigan is pregnant. Says Mills, “Tonya Harding has already sent some gifts--booties, pacifier, shin guards. . .”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “Once again, Tonya is jealous. The baby gets to kick Nancy 24 hours a day.”

A music publisher claims she owns the rights to Barney’s “I Love You” song. Says Paul Ryan, “That’s like claiming to be the brains behind Jeff Gillooly.”

The FDA says cigarette companies manipulated nicotine levels to keep customers hooked. Ryan asks, “Why don’t they put nicotine in stuff that’s good for us, like broccoli and oat bran? That way we’d be healthy whether we liked it or not.”

Actress Fran Drescher is suing TV Guide because spilled coffee burned her hand during a photo shoot. Says Johnny Robish, “TV Guide is trying to settle out of court by offering to airbrush years and pounds from her pictures.”

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Reader Phill Williams of Los Angeles was talking with son Dahmeer, 4, about school. Dahmeer attends day care now, but Dad told him that once he turns 5 he’ll be going to a different school, with bigger kids. Asked Dahmeer:

“Will the school be bigger too?”