LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

In the news: Just in case the San Fernando Valley does secede from Los Angeles, a divorce settlement is in the works, says Joshua Sostrin. “L.A. would keep the riots and floods, the Valley would get the earthquakes and smog, and custody of the traffic would be reciprocal--every day.”

Among the latest attractions on the Internet is a Web site devoted to Hillary Rodham Clinton’s ever-changing hairstyles. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “That begs the question: Is her middle name ‘Rodham’ or ‘Rodman’?”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “This would be of interest to those who surf the Hair Net.”

Now that he’s out of government, Bob Dole has discovered something amazing, says the Cutler Daily Scoop: “My gosh, C-SPAN is boring!”

President Clinton wants to regulate nicotine as a drug. Says Paul Ryan, “That wouldn’t be necessary if smokers would just follow his lead: Don’t inhale.”

The cigarette industry is trying to improve the image of its products, says the Olympia Daily World. “Soon, under the warning label, it will say ‘High fiber, low cholesterol.’ ”

Aboard the Endeavour last week, a $1.5-million Coke machine malfunctioned. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Astronauts were seen kicking it and demanding their change back.”

Federal Express shipped an 8,000-pound elephant overnight from Los Angeles to Florida. Says Ryan: “I can just see them mixing up the addresses. Here’s a FedEx envelope lying in a cage at the zoo, and meanwhile a secretary at Ernst & Young is wondering why her in-basket is crushed and all her peanuts are gone.”

IBM and Apple are teaming up to build a new laptop computer. Says Larry Swerdlow, “What did the little Apple say to the big IBM mainframe? ‘I think icon, I think icon.’ ”

Playskool Inc. has developed a highchair that has a tray embedded with antibacterial agents. Says Anvi Kevany, “Now, if they could just come up with some ‘eat-your-vegetables’ agents. . . .”

Miffed that “Victor / Victoria” didn’t get more nominations, actress Julie Andrews plans to boycott the Tony Awards. Says Ferraro: “In the spirit of her character, she’ll girlcott it too.”

When Bob DeVinney saw “Twister,” he says, “It was so realistic, the audience started looting the candy counter.”

* Add Michael Kagan and Rick Sandack, “At that Canadian drive-in where a real tornado struck during a showing of ‘Twister’ and ripped the screen out of the ground, one amazed patron was heard to say, ‘How do they do this four times a day?’ ”

*

Reader Joanne Dixon of Huntington Beach was watching granddaughter Danielle, 4, dance around the house. “I’m going to be a ballerina when I grow up,” Danielle said. “You are?” asked Grandma. “Are you going to wear a tutu?”

“No,” she replied, “I’m going to wear a three-three--or do you think that would be too big?”