Punch Lines

In the news: Bob Dole announced that he can balance the budget while giving everyone tax cuts. Says Argus Hamilton, “The next morning, Dole got a Pick-Me-Up bouquet from O.J. Simpson. Nobody believes him either.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “This plan says growth. This plan says tax relief. This plan says ‘Remember me? I’m Bob Dole and I’m running for president.’ ”

Many Republicans believe the only way Dole can beat President Clinton is if Clinton is convicted of a felony. Says Paul Steinberg, “Considering how many ideas Clinton has stolen from the GOP, they ought to be able to get him for grand larceny.”

The GOP platform committee is having so much trouble coming up with an abortion plank everyone can agree on, Bob Mills says, “Insiders predict they may scrap the whole thing and go with aluminum siding.”

Newt Gingrich’s novel “1945” is selling so poorly that copies are piling up in warehouses and may be recycled into toilet paper. Says Allen Ray, “He’s had the same problem with his ‘contract with America’: Not a lot of people have bought it.”

Starbucks plans to open 30 outlets in Hawaii. Says Russ Myers, “That’s what the world has been waiting for--cafe au lei.”

Michael and Kitty Dukakis were slightly injured in a Boston car crash. Says Cutler, “They would have been driving the tank, but with gas prices being what they are. . . .”

British tabloids report that magician David Copperfield and model Claudia Schiffer are splitting up. Says the Olympia Daily World, “For one thing, she’s angry that after he sawed her in half, he only wanted to spend time with the bottom half.”

The woman who cooked for Elvis for 26 years says the King’s daily breakfast included fried biscuits, sausage, four scrambled eggs and bacon. Adds Premiere Morning Sickness, “Instead of coffee, he started the day with a refreshing defibrillation.”

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Leaving Atlanta: The Olympics were very educational, says Alex Kaseberg. “Until last week, I thought ‘rhythm gymnastics’ was something only practicing Catholics did on their honeymoon.”

At the Games, Carl Lewis was spotted sitting with Hillary Rodham Clinton. Says Jay Leno, “Reportedly, he was telling the first lady about his problems with the 400-meter relay team. You know that story . . . how he was part of the winning team four years ago and now he’s being totally ignored. And Hillary said, ‘Tell me about it.’ ”

Talk shows are scrambling to book Olympic heroes. Says Paul Ecker, “David Letterman asked Michael Johnson about the bomb, Johnson replied, ‘You mean “Uma . . . Oprah”?’ ”

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Reader Kim Kelly of La Crescenta says her son Nicholas, 5 1/2, heard a reference to “O.J.” in a conversation recently and remarked:

“I haven’t seen him on TV lately. I think his show got canceled.”