Punch Lines

In fourteen hundred ninety-two . . . Italian explorer Christopher Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean and discovered a three-day weekend smack dab in the middle of October:

* “You remember Columbus, America’s first illegal immigrant?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “He sailed here with three rickety ships and immediately demanded food and shelter. No wonder Pete Wilson boycotts this holiday.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Would somebody please tell my why we close banks and government offices to celebrate a guy who didn’t know where he was going or where he was when he got there?” (Kenny Noble)

* “Post offices are closed today. Columbus’ voyage has become a symbol for the U.S. Postal Service: He spent months trying to reach his destination, only to wind up somewhere else.” (Alan Ray)

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In the news: In a new book, Robert Kardashian says O.J. flunked a lie-detector test in his lawyers’ offices after the murders. Says Argus Hamilton, “They had to know the truth. When O.J. claimed he had only $5 million to give them, the needle went berserk.”

Disney is planning to build a new theme park called The California Adventure. Says Alex Kaseberg, “It’ll be pretty exciting: You sit in a car stuck in rush-hour traffic until someone shoots out your rear window.”

Nebraska’s state tourism board is planning a big publicity push to attract more visitors. Says Jerry Perisho, “It’s a big challenge when you’ve got the glitz and glitter of Iowa right next door.”

A New Jersey woman dragged a Girl Scout into her house and muffled her screams with a towel. She later told police she was upset with the girl’s cookie selection. Says Hamilton, “Earth to Girl Scouts! Less sugar in the cookies next year!”

The Remington Arms Co. is laying off 108 workers because of poor gun sales. Says Perisho, “Remington officials don’t call it ‘downsizing.’ They call it ‘clearing the chamber of spent cartridges.’ ”

Fox TV has introduced an all-news network. Says Ray, “It’ll be just the opposite of the network’s sex-and-violence oriented entertainment programming. This one will feature violence and sex.”

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Di, Di, my darling: In England, a much-publicized video of Princess Di cavorting with Maj. James Hewitt turned out to be a hoax. Says Rudolph J. Cecera, “Watch for it soon on ‘America’s Phoniest Home Videos.’ ”

The National Enquirer is opening a bureau in Washington, D.C. Says Cutler, “In fact, next week’s Enquirer headline reads ‘Vince Foster Killed Self Over Affair With Princess Di.’ ”

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Reader Bob Bayer of Woodland Hills was doing yardwork when he discovered small piles of sand on the patio and in some planters. When he asked daughter McCayleigh, 3, how all those piles of sand got from her sandbox to places all over the yard, she explained:

“Daddy, sand happens.”