Punch Lines

I’m rubber, you’re glue: At the presidential debate in San Diego on Wednesday, members of the audience raised serious questions about leadership in the 21st century. Says Alan Ray, “Unfortunately, so do both of the candidates.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “Under last-minute orders from the White House, the debate was televised in all 50 states and Indonesia.”

* Adds Bill Maher, “Every network carried the debate. Actually, NBC showed ‘Men Behaving Badly,’ figuring no one would notice.”

President Clinton’s medical records show that his worst problems are hoarseness, allergies and weight control. Says Maher, “His doctor said she has no idea what could possibly give a guy a scratchy throat, red eyes and the munchies.”

On their 21st anniversary, Clinton took Hillary to campaign headquarters, then to see the AIDS quilt. Then he went out to play golf. Says Argus Hamilton, “It would serve him right if she testified against him.”

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In the news: An Australian doctor is putting a euthanasia instruction kit on the Internet. Says Ray, “He’s in direct competition with another big name in the assisted-suicide business: Philip Morris.”

The New York Yankees gave box seats to that 12-year-old who turned a fly ball into a home run. Says Hamilton, “The kid’s a natural. Next he demanded $10 million a season, threatened to go on strike, and spit on an umpire.”

Heavyweight boxer Peter McNeeley, who lasted just 89 seconds against Mike Tyson, passed out near a sandwich shop in Massachusetts. Says Jerry Perisho, “There are unconfirmed reports that he was exhausted after actually trying to punch his way out of a paper bag.”

California has plans for an online university. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “I can already hear the students: ‘Sorry, Prof, my mouse ate my homework.’ ”

Jane Fonda, a recovering bulimic, has written a book about healthy eating. Says Alex Kaseberg, “What’s next--the Robert Downey Jr. exercise video or the Kelsey Grammer guide to better driving?”

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Strike a pose: The race is on to get the first photo of Madonna’s new baby. Says Alex Pearlstein, “There were supposed to be photos already, but ‘Hard Copy’ apparently had technical difficulties with its FallopianCam.”

Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon. Says Hamilton, “She’s the first child named after the entire Yankee infield.”

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Reader Julie Averill of Long Beach was invited to a ‘60s party. She put together a costume and modeled it for her two daughters. Claire, 10, advised her not to wear it, saying it made her backside look too large. Averill turned to Celeste, 8, for a second opinion:

“You look fine, Mom. People had bigger butts back in the ‘60s.”