This Is Some Enchanted Reading

Read this article or we’ll turn you into something vile, slithery and disgusting . . . such as a congressman.

And don’t think this is an idle threat, bub. We recently received--just in time for Halloween--two new books on casting spells.

OK, maybe Consumer Reports hasn’t tested these hexes, but we’re gullible, so we now believe we have all the incantations a person could ever need, including ones to attract a foreign lover, cure unsightly spots, deal with a psychotic pet or contact Mozart and Elvis.

We’re also pretty sure that Bob Dole is wasting his time campaigning when he could just as easily flip to page 48 of “How to Turn Your Ex-Boyfriend into a Toad” (HarperCollins) and discover that a chicken feather dipped in olive oil and wiped across the doorstep of the White House at sunset would instantly drive Bill Clinton from the Oval Office.

Sure, the Secret Service might have a few questions if they see a former senator scaling the White House fence, but considering the latest polls, it might be worth the risk.

Hillary Clinton also may find some of the spells useful. In Titania Hardie’s “Hocus Pocus” (Stewart, Tabori and Chang), for instance, there is a ritual designed to “put the past behind you.”

Step One is to bury objects that symbolize your “bundle of sorrows,” such as “a blank page to [represent] lack of communication, a broken watch for wasted time” or (this is purely hypothetical, of course) a “For Sale” sign to signify a questionable Arkansas real estate deal.

Then say a few words and, poof, goodbye Whitewater.

And if Socks, the White House feline, gets out of line, the president can look up the “Communicating with Your Cat” spell in “How to Turn Your Ex-Boyfriend into a Toad” (which is coauthored by a magazine astrology columnist and a psychic hotline owner).

These new books also contain incantations that allegedly control the sex of an unborn baby, win lotteries, tame evil mothers-in-law and stoke romance.

“People are looking for magical ways of doing things,” says a manager at L.A.’s Bodhi Tree Bookstore, which carries about two dozen titles dealing with spells. “People don’t want to work for things. But that’s not new. That’s why we have instant coffee.”

For those who think that even buying a book takes too much effort, there’s always the Internet. A witchcraft site called the Divine Light, for example, just opened a “Spell Room” where computer conjurers can call up hexes for good luck, spiritual awareness and “stopping negative feelings while in a crowd.”

Another Internet locale features online incantations for love, romance and--our favorite--a “spell to free oneself from excessive computer enchantment.”