Only in America Can This Upset Happen

Downey’s California:

--I’ll take Mike Tyson when last Saturday’s fight is shown on TV. I don’t trust that Don King.

--Vegas bookies had to pay off big to everybody who bet on Evander Holyfield, many of whom were probably from Boston College.

--Tyson got hit so hard by Holyfield, his tattoo of Mao screamed, “Ow!”

--I think Tyson should do what most boxers do, go away and come back when he’s 40 or 45.

--If Holyfield and George Foreman really want to “praise the Lord,” stop punching people in the temple.

--Mike Piazza appears in ads now for Pert shampoo. The last word I associate with Mike Piazza is “pert.”

--I believe baseball’s owners are so greedy, they want 50% of the players’ hair-care money.

--Piazza hit a one-handed homer in Japan. I’m pretty sure the next day’s headline there was: “Home Run by Nomo’s Catcher.”

--Remember that confetti New York used in the Yankees’ victory parade? It was the union’s contract proposal.

--Yankee fans’ new T-shirts: “Repeat, or We’ll Kill You.”

--I understand Roger Clemens would like to pitch in his native Texas. This could make him a Houston rocket.

--I understand Albert Belle has an offer from the Florida Marlins. This could make him a southern Belle.

--I understand Ryne Sandberg has filed for free agency from the Chicago Cubs. I don’t care. I just understand it.

--”Space Jam” is Michael Jordan’s new movie. “White Men Can’t Space Jam” should be Woody Harrelson’s new movie.

--I’ll buy Michael Jordan cologne this Christmas for the Phoenix Suns, although they already smell like a Bull.

--The Suns are 0-7. They have a good shot at next year’s top high school senior.

--Hey! What if they gave a lottery and the Clippers didn’t come?

--The more I watch the Clippers, the more I think they could be one of the five best teams in the Western Conference. (No, I haven’t been drinking.)

--I wonder if when Washington’s Juwan Howard got stopped by a cop, he said: “I’m a Bullet.” (Yes, he had been drinking.)

--I’ve heard of Bullets being loaded, but this is ridiculous.

--Clipper rookie Lorenzen Wright’s full name is Lorenzen Vern-Gagne Wright. I remember a wrestler named Verne Gagne, but I can’t remember if his full name was Verne Lorenzen-Wright Gagne.

--I remember the NFL back when most teams could play their first-string quarterbacks.

--One more concussion and Steve Young’s bell will have been rung more than St. Mary’s.

--I don’t want to call Ty Detmer small, but in Philadelphia they call him “Detmer Shrimp.”

--Denver’s the best team in football! (Yeah, right. Call me in February.)

--I just read where Wayne Fontes of the Detroit Lions says he never reads the newspaper. He better. Plenty of excellent Jobs Wanted opportunities.

--Cincinnati’s David Shula needs to remain fired for only six more weeks to clinch ex-coach of the year.

--A top-25 Associated Press college basketball poll lists the University of Cincinnati’s team No. 1. Where is the Associated Press located, Cincinnati?

--UCLA is ranked No. 5, until further investigation.

--I’m thrilled to see Army ranked in college football’s top 25. I sure hope this is our Army.

--Navy is still hung over from its loss in Ireland to Notre Dame.

--At halftime of the Rose Bowl game between Ohio State and Arizona State, students dressed as Woody Hayes and Frank Kush will kick the sideline markers and hit some of the players.

--I hear there are five books being written on Tiger Woods. I believe this makes one per tournament.

--If David Brinkley thinks the President of the United States is a “bore,” he should see University of Arkansas football.

--Bill Clinton is building a bridge to the 21st century. I wish he’d push the baseball owners off it.