‘Tis the Season for Wish Lists

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice.

So are we. Here’s our list, our stocking for Santa to fill this Year of Our Lord 1996.

First, let’s give L.A. a pro football franchise. Anybody but the Oakland Raiders. Not our type.

Give the Lakers a designated free thrower and make it legal to have one. I mean, why not? They have the designated hitter for pitchers who can’t hit, don’t they? I mean, this way other teams can’t beat the Lakers simply by fouling Shaquille O’Neal down the stretch. Shaq can’t make a basket unless two or more guys are hanging onto him.

Give the Dallas Cowboys a good criminal lawyer. Either that or less criminal players. The team motto and song should be “You have the right to remain silent. . . .”

Give Monica Seles a signed pass saying she never has to go to Germany again--or any place else where attempted murder, a stabbing in the back, is considered a misdemeanor, punishable by probation, like shoplifting.

Give the Kings another Wayne Gretzky. Or, how about the original? Failing that, how about giving them Luc Robitaille back?

Give the Trojans back “Student Body Right.” And another Marcus Allen or Mike Garrett to run it.

Give the Indy 500 back to the Penskes, Rahals, Unsers, Andrettis and Fittipaldis. If we wanted to see unknown drivers, in underpowered cars, we’d go watch 5 o’clock traffic on the 405. After all, the Masters doesn’t let 10-handicappers compete, and claimers can’t get in the Kentucky Derby.

Give every quarterback a Jerry Rice.

Put Bill Walsh in charge of the offense on the L.A. franchise when we get it.

Give tennis another Arthur Ashe.

Give Tiger Woods--well, what do you give Tiger Woods? He has everything. Ten-foot putts? He makes them anyway. Long, straight drives? With his eyes closed.

Give Andrew Golota a course in anatomy. Or ask him what it is about “belt line” he doesn’t understand. Or, just tell him “No, no, Andrew, the top half!”

Give racing another Triple Crown winner.

Give Chris McCarron another Alysheba to ride, give Allen Paulson another Cigar to race.

Give Dan Marino one more playoff with the game on the line and O.J. McDuffie open in the end zone.

Give the AFC a Super Bowl victory. Be nice if either Jim Kelly or John Elway could quarterback it. Be nice if you could shift the game to Denver if Elway makes it. He’s dynamite at 5,000 feet.

Give the New York Yankees a lineup the fans can recognize from one year to the next. Ruth played there for 15 years, Gehrig for 16. Modern players don’t bother to unpack.

Give the Angels Cecil Fielder and they will have a modern Murderers’ Row with Fielder, Tim Salmon, Jim Edmonds and company.

Give that kid who caught the fly ball and turned it into a Yankee home run instead of a Yankee out a full cut of the subsequent World Series share. Who helped their pennant drive more? Besides, I don’t think he opted for free agency or arbitration. He’ll be there with his glove--but Jimmy Key, John Wetteland, and, maybe, Fielder won’t.

Give Greg Norman a six-shot lead one more time going into the final round at the Masters. If he hasn’t learned to smuggle it into the clubhouse safely this time, take him off the list.

Give Michael Johnson, who did what no athlete had ever done in the Olympics, a plaque saying he should have been Sports Illustrated’s sportsman of the year.

Give Nick Van Exel the ball. He’ll take it from there.

Give me an opponent who’ll say “That’s good!” over 10-foot putts instead of “I believe it’s you. “

Give the world peace.

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. . . .