Punch Lines
Laughing all the way: Only two more shopping days to come up with an excuse for not getting your kids a Tickle Me Elmo, says Alex Kaseberg.
Asks Alan Ray, “Why does jolly old St. Nick shout ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ as he drives out of sight? He doesn’t have to assemble all that stuff.”
How can you tell you’ve had too much to drink at the office party? Three ways, says Gary Easley:
* You try to maneuver the company sexual-harassment-policy compliance officer under the mistletoe.
* Santa shows up to personally tell you that you are off the “nice” list.
* You feel so mellow that you don’t feel like telling off the boss--no, wait, you’d never drink that much.
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In the news: Newt Gingrich has admitted that he misled the congressional ethics committee. Says Bob Mills, “His mother whispered to Connie Chung that what her son Newty is rhymes with ‘fire.’ ”
A Glendale firm originally formed by the Three Stooges plans to market the act’s image of buffoonery and ineptitude. Says Easley, “The company recognizes that it will face stiff competition from the Three Branches of Government.”
An Oregon court ruled that there is insufficient evidence to prove that breast implants cause disease. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “However, there’s plenty of evidence that they can cause speech impediments in men.”
The Department of Agriculture declared that supermarkets can no longer call cold chicken “fresh.” Says Steve Voldseth, “Now, if they could just keep the airlines from calling it an in-flight meal.”
Skater Nancy Kerrigan gave birth to her first child last week, Says Mills, “Well, we know who the godmother won’t be.”
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A study in black and white: The Oakland school board declared black English a separate language, called “Ebonics.” No word yet on when they plan to recognize these other languages spoken by many students:
* Gruntonics, spoken by jocks. (Steve Tatham)
* Dudeonics, spoken by surfers. (Kaseberg)
* Klingonics, spoken by Trekkies. (Tatham)
* Right-onics, spoken by hip retro ‘70s kids. (Tatham)
* Catatonics, spoken by Al Gore fans. (Kaseberg)
* Louis Vuittonics, spoken by snobby rich kids. (Tatham)
Oakland plans to seek federal funds for bilingual programs. Says Cutler, “So the language we’re really talking here is money.”
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Carolyn Hill of Ventura and son Steven, then 5, were browsing in the photo department of a large store. Steven spied a Christmas-y picture frame holding a photo of a baby in a Santa Claus outfit. To the delight of everyone within earshot, he announced:
“Look, Momma! Santa when he was a baby!”
