Soothsayer Has 1997 Figured Out

Nostradamus we’re not. But that can’t stop us from making a prediction or two for the New Year. So, look for the following to happen in ‘97:

1. The Dallas Cowboys will win the Super Bowl, as usual.

2. The Denver Broncos will lose the Super Bowl, as usual.

3. The Dallas Cowboys will have a preseason drug scandal, as usual.

4. The Chicago Cubs will not win the National League pennant, as usual.

5. The World Series will pit teams that have played each other in the regular season for the first time in baseball’s history. The purists will groan and call it the “designated” World Series, but the fans won’t care.

6. L.A. still won’t have a professional football franchise.

7. The downtown sports facility won’t be built so that funds can more properly be addressed to more pressing community needs.

8. The funds won’t be addressed to more pressing community needs.

9. Tiger Woods will win the British Open, get a ticker-tape parade down Broadway and get cheered by millions of people not sure what the British Open is.

10. Greg Norman will blow a six-shot lead in the Masters again, showing he’s in a rut.

11. The Chicago Bulls will win the NBA title again. Michael Jordan is in a rut too.

12. Dennis Rodman will get more publicity than Michael Jordan. Dennis Rodman will get more publicity than Madonna.

13. Andre Agassi, who won’t win anything, will get more publicity than Pete Sampras, who will win almost everything.

14. Mike Tyson will realize Evander Holyfield ain’t Frank Bruno and fight him accordingly. Holyfield won’t knock him out this time.

15. The Chicago White Sox, who with Frank Thomas and Albert Belle have the most dynamic middle-of-the-lineup punch since Ruth and Gehrig, will lose a lot of games by scores like 11-10.

16. Belle, who’s making $55 million, will try to throw out a freelance photographer making $250 and mileage. The league will murmur, “Tsk! Tsk!”

17. Joe Torre will be the most popular manager the Yankees have had since Casey Stengel. And the best.

18. The USC Trojans will again become the scourge of the gridiron.

19. “America’s Most Wanted” TV program will feature Nebraska’s offensive line.

20. Bill Cowher could become the first coach in history to get into two Super Bowls without a real quarterback. Don Shula got in with David Woodley once, but he usually had Bob Griese or Dan Marino. Chuck Noll’s Steelers always had Terry Bradshaw. Even the great Tom Landry had Staubach, Bill Walsh had Joe Montana and Lombardi had Bart Starr.

21. I’m just guessing, but look for the Masters to be won by a foreigner. Look for the Open to be won by a guy who will never again win anything. The last guy to win the Open and keep his career going was Tom Watson. He won our Open in ’82. The next year he won the British Open.

22. The Japanese won’t win anything on our tour.

23. A masked man driving a stock Edsel will win the Indianapolis 500, but 400,000 people will show up anyway. Mrs. Tony Hulman will start the race with, “Gentlemen, start your jalopies!”

24. Nobody will get into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but that’s all right. If Sutton doesn’t, nobody else should.

25. Quarterbacks get headaches for a living, linebackers get limps, and in the league championship game between the 49ers and Cowboys, Troy Aikman and Steve Young will have four touchdowns and three concussions between them, and when they shine a light in Young’s eyes and ask him where he is, he’ll answer, “I’m in Pittsburgh and it’s raining.”

26. Bud Selig, who promised to resign as baseball commissioner as soon as a union agreement is ratified, won’t.

27. Barry Bonds will be voted player of the year, but the Yankees wouldn’t trade Derek Jeter for an outfield of Barry Bondses. In fact, they wouldn’t trade Bernie Williams for him.

28. The Yankees will return to glory, but instead of the cry of 30 years ago, “Break up the Yankees!,” the new one will be, “Bring on the Yankees!” They will be seen as the saviors of baseball.

29. Horse racing will have a Triple Crown winner for the first time since 1978. Chris McCarron will ride him, Wayne Lukas will train him, but I won’t bet on him.

30. Carl Lewis or Jesse Owens will be in the forefront in the voting for athlete of the 20th century. But look whom they’ll have to beat: Babe Ruth, Jack Dempsey, Joe Louis, Muhammad Ali, Bobby Jones, Ben Hogan, Jack Nicklaus, Willie Shoemaker, Bill Tilden, Rod Laver, Michael Jordan, Willie Mays, Magic Johnson, Red Grange, Jim Brown, Babe Didriksen, Martina Navratilova, Steffi Graf, John Unitas. Or maybe it will be Man O’ War.