Punch Lines

Pick your punch line: Cutler Daily Scoop, on media naming the crash of TWA Flight 800 as the top story of 1996: “Really, I thought the story of the year was . . .

* “Of course I love you, baby.”

* “He means nothing to me, honest.”

* “Me and Michael’s baby was conceived naturally.”

* “I never hit Nicole.”

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In the news: Alex Pearlstein, on winter storms continuing to pound the Northwest: “It took Seattle residents two days to realize that the white stuff coming out of the sky wasn’t meant for their cafe lattes.”

* Adds Bob Mills: “Oregonians were resorting to extreme measures to keep warm. Former Sen. Bob Packwood was renting out his hands for $15 an hour.”

Jerry Perisho, on weather people predicting a good chance of rain for this year’s Rose Parade: “This will be the wettest parade since the Pampers float malfunctioned back in ’89.”

Steve Voldseth, on reports of the Cabbage Patch Snack Time Doll chewing off young girls’ hair: “Lawsuits are being filed as we speak: The girls for damages and Supercuts for trademark infringement.”

* Adds Paul Ecker: “The doll’s favorite food is said to be angel hair pasta.”

Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton’s approval rating now at 60%, an all-time high: “In his latest job rating, 65% of women rated him great, 20% said he was good, and 15% wished he would cuddle more afterward.”

Cutler, on Chelsea Clinton being selected one of People magazine’s 25 Most Intriguing People of 1996: “Of course she’s intriguing. For example, how can she spend all that time in the White House and avoid having her own special prosecutor?”

Alan Ray, on the Virginia girl who came out of a coma after hearing Alabama’s song “Angels Among Us”: “This raises an important medical question for doctors. When they charge for this, do they have to pay a royalty?”

Hamilton, on reports that some Mexicans voted illegally in an Orange County race for Congress: “And the Spanish language ballots were a bit slanted too. Bob Dornan was listed as El Gringo Loco.”

Joshua Sostrin, on the five Denver children who demonstrated super strength last week by lifting a car off its owner who was trapped underneath: “Gee, and they say that kids don’t do jack these days.”

Mills, on the anemic box office debut of “Evening Star,” the Shirley MacLaine / Jack Nicholson film: “One particularly cruel reviewer dubbed it ‘Terms of Endearment’ with hardening of the arteries.”

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Santa Clarita reader Keith Goodrich participates with daughter Amiliah, 5, in a YMCA Indian Princesses program, and their tribal names are Big Oak and Little Acorn. One day, after watching a TV weather report, Amiliah came up with some new names:

“I can be Little Thunderstorm, Daddy, and you can be Breaking Wind.”