Punch Lines

The Silver Screen: The re-release of George Lucas’ “Star Wars” over the weekend raked in millions. “This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and Ocean Spray. (Joshua Sostrin)

* Says Paul Ecker, “Teenagers all over the country are asking the same question: Who’s Mark Hamill?”

* The film was enhanced with even more special effects. “In a related move, Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergman’s films “enhanced with even more gloom.’ ” (Michael Edens)

“Demi Moore’s new movie about the first woman in the elite Navy Seals still has no name,” says Alex Kaseberg. “They decided not to go with the title chosen by a test marketing group--’Straight to Video.’ ”

*

In the News: “The AFC won the Pro Bowl on Sunday and investment banker Lance Alstodt kicked a 35-yard field goal to win $1 million,” says Argus Hamilton. “President Clinton phoned to congratulate him and ask if he wants regular or decaf.”

“Bob Dole is urging his wife, Elizabeth, to run for president in 2000,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “He is already telling her to memorize the names of all the professional sports teams--and their cities.”

“Dennis Rodman’s ex-wife has signed a book deal to tell all about the basketball star. Most of us would be satisfied if she just told us why,” says Gary Easley.

“There is more evidence in the case of the McDonald’s employee accused of selling marijuana at the drive-through window,” says Michael X. Ferraro. “Audio tapes from the speaker indicate customers ordering ‘hash browns--hold the browns.’ ”

Punxatawney Phil did not see his shadow on Groundhog Day. Traditionally, this means spring is around the corner. “And if Phil is wrong, he’ll be renamed ‘Stew,’ ” says the Daily Scoop.

Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption. Says Jay Leno, “But L.A. is still No. 1 if you include recreational use. You know--naked wrestling, Jell-O shots.”

Hasbro has come out with a line of antibacterial toys. “These toys may be found in the usual places,” says Alan Ray, “the den, the kitchen floor, the hallway. . . .”

* “Germs will now travel a more direct route from the child to the parent.” (Ray)

*

Reader Claire Haig was preparing to leave the emergency room after her 2-year-old son Spenser had stitches for a cut. While signing discharge instructions, she handed the tearful toddler the car keys to reassure him they would soon leave.

“No mommy,” said Spenser. “You drive.”